Bishop Rood sat in his Bishops office tapping his fingers impatiently.
"What did the little whiner want now?" Rood thought to himself as he prepared for a meeting with his most high maintenance ward member, Ultra TBM Mega Lord. If Ultra wasn't complaining about how white bread should be used instead of wheat bread during the sacrament to signify the 'purity and whiteness' of Christ, then he was up in testimony meeting railing against the members for such infractions as talking before Sacrament meeting when they should have been contemplating the prelude music and thinking of Jesus or Joseph Smith. Onetime Ultra had gotten up during the middle of a funeral to complain about too much time being spent eulogizing the deceased and not enough time spent on trying to convert the nonmembers who were there. He was beaten up afterwards much to the quiet joy of Bishop Rood.
There was a slight knock at the door.
"Um. Yes, come on in." Bishop Rood put on the air of sterness and authority he had spent years perfecting as Ultra TBM Mega Lord came in.
"Hello Bishop, I am so glad that you could see me on such short notice. I hate not quickly repenting of any sins that I have committed." Ultra said.
"Um. Yes. Yes, please have a seat." Bishop Rood wonder what sort of evil Ultra had done, looked at pornography. Hmmm that might be kind of entertaining. He would see how much sleazy detail he could get out of Ultra and then go home later to watch some porno himself.
Ultra immediately started crying. Bishop Rood tried not to smile.
"OH BISHOP I HAVE DONE SUCH A HORRIBLE EVIL THING!" Ultra sobbed.
"Oh come now. Nice(snicker) fellow like you, it couldn't have been that bad. You didn't kill anybody or anything like that?" Rood said.
"NO! It was worse!" Ultra sobbed.
"Did you deny the holy ghost? Sleep with another man? Rob the bank? What?" Rood asked.
"No, not the first. Almost as evil as the second. FAR more evil than the third."
"Well get to it then?" Rood said impatiently, "What did you do?"
"I...I... committed self-abuse." Ultra said quietly.
Rood counted to 10.
"We'll, you know, that sort of thing happens as a boy turns into a man, they might experiment..."
"LOOK WHAT I'VE DONE TO MY FINGERNAILS!" Ultra said holding up his hands showing that Ultra had been biting them. "I'VE HORRIBLY SELF-ABUSED MYSELF." Ultra said and start bawling again hysterically.
Rood lost it.
"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU HAD TO CALL A SPECIAL MEETING WITH ME TO SHOW ME YOU BITE YOUR FINGERNAILS WHEN I COULD BE AT HOME RIGHT NOW LUSTING AFTER MARIE OSMOND ON DANCING WITH THE STARS!!!!" Rood screamed and then leapt over the table grabbing the startled Ultra TBM Mega Lord by the neck and started squeezing.
"Uggajaahgggghhhcackcack." Ultra responded.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Local Unit Has 100% Activity Rate
Church News Exclusive -
Fiddle String, AR
"We find out what the men like, and then give it to them." said Bishop Isaac Milton Rood of the 2nd Fiddle Ward in the Hot Spot Arkansas Stake.
"We tried all sorts of activities to get the less active to attend. We tried basketball parties, and little socials. We tried surveys to see what they were interested in, but still nothing. We sent them cookies enough to make them fat, but still nothing. Oh sure they might attend for one Sunday and then they would drop off the face of the Earth again."
"So what did you do Bishop Rood?" I asked.
"Well, I did what any person skilled in the art of law enforcement and mob infiltration would do, I had them tailed. I wanted to find out exactly what it was they were interested in. Because I think they were lying on the surveys. It really changed what activities we started holding to get them to attend."
"Well, what then. What activities did you start introducting to make them active?" I asked.
"Well, we got rid of the lesson manual completely and switched to watching videos during Elders Quorum and the High Priests Meetings. The regular attenders seemed to like the change too."
"Could you be more specific?" I asked.
"Well let's just say that our get togethers are alot more 'spirit filled," and our lessons are more aimed at conquering the sins of the flesh through built up exposure."
"You mean to say that your activities involve the use of alcohol, and you have been watching porno films during Priesthood?"
"Well, just a bit. The other night we went into one of the more seedy parts of town and blew the entire Ward Budget on some illegal drugs. I wanted to show the men what it was that they were trying to avoid by experiencing it firsthand."
"But aren't you just helping the less active and the members to sin! This is outrageous."
"I don't think of it as helping them to sin. I think of it as a resistence exercise through exposure. We make sure to pray at the beginning and ending of every event. In fact we are about to show Call Girls Bimbos 13 in Priesthood today in place of the lesson in the manuel on obedience. You want to check it out?" Rood asked.
I walked in timidly to a crowd of over 200 men eagerly awaiting the lesson. Bishop Rood moved up to the front
"I would like to thank all of those of you who could come. I want you to pray for Brother Nelson, who is still suffering from the disease he picked up when we went cruising for prostitutes during our activity last month. This week we are going to have a kegger at Barnies Bar and then discuss the evils of alcoholism. I'll now turn the time over to Brother Wilcox who has the lesson today."
"Thank you Bishop Rood. I thought that it would be appropriate to discuss the evils of a life on the street as a Call Girl by watching Call Girl Bimbos 13, but first I would like Brother Mason to say a prayer."
Brother Mason got up and bowed his head to pray.
"Our beloved Father in Heaven we are thankful that we could all gather here today for Priesthood. Please bless that Brother Nelson will be able to get rid of that rash, and please bless that we will be edified and feel the spirit as we watch Call Girl Bimbos 13, and please bless that none of the sisters will walk in on us..."
Fiddle String, AR
"We find out what the men like, and then give it to them." said Bishop Isaac Milton Rood of the 2nd Fiddle Ward in the Hot Spot Arkansas Stake.
"We tried all sorts of activities to get the less active to attend. We tried basketball parties, and little socials. We tried surveys to see what they were interested in, but still nothing. We sent them cookies enough to make them fat, but still nothing. Oh sure they might attend for one Sunday and then they would drop off the face of the Earth again."
"So what did you do Bishop Rood?" I asked.
"Well, I did what any person skilled in the art of law enforcement and mob infiltration would do, I had them tailed. I wanted to find out exactly what it was they were interested in. Because I think they were lying on the surveys. It really changed what activities we started holding to get them to attend."
"Well, what then. What activities did you start introducting to make them active?" I asked.
"Well, we got rid of the lesson manual completely and switched to watching videos during Elders Quorum and the High Priests Meetings. The regular attenders seemed to like the change too."
"Could you be more specific?" I asked.
"Well let's just say that our get togethers are alot more 'spirit filled," and our lessons are more aimed at conquering the sins of the flesh through built up exposure."
"You mean to say that your activities involve the use of alcohol, and you have been watching porno films during Priesthood?"
"Well, just a bit. The other night we went into one of the more seedy parts of town and blew the entire Ward Budget on some illegal drugs. I wanted to show the men what it was that they were trying to avoid by experiencing it firsthand."
"But aren't you just helping the less active and the members to sin! This is outrageous."
"I don't think of it as helping them to sin. I think of it as a resistence exercise through exposure. We make sure to pray at the beginning and ending of every event. In fact we are about to show Call Girls Bimbos 13 in Priesthood today in place of the lesson in the manuel on obedience. You want to check it out?" Rood asked.
I walked in timidly to a crowd of over 200 men eagerly awaiting the lesson. Bishop Rood moved up to the front
"I would like to thank all of those of you who could come. I want you to pray for Brother Nelson, who is still suffering from the disease he picked up when we went cruising for prostitutes during our activity last month. This week we are going to have a kegger at Barnies Bar and then discuss the evils of alcoholism. I'll now turn the time over to Brother Wilcox who has the lesson today."
"Thank you Bishop Rood. I thought that it would be appropriate to discuss the evils of a life on the street as a Call Girl by watching Call Girl Bimbos 13, but first I would like Brother Mason to say a prayer."
Brother Mason got up and bowed his head to pray.
"Our beloved Father in Heaven we are thankful that we could all gather here today for Priesthood. Please bless that Brother Nelson will be able to get rid of that rash, and please bless that we will be edified and feel the spirit as we watch Call Girl Bimbos 13, and please bless that none of the sisters will walk in on us..."
Bishop Rood Gets Caught with His Pants Down
Bishop Rood was throughly enjoying his makeout session with Sister Jezabel when her husband suddenly burst in holding a shot gun.
"Now I know that this might look bad honey..." Sister Jezabel started stammering.
"SHUT UP!" Brother Jezabel screamed.
"Now there you go Brother Jezabel, always trying to look at things from a negative light." Bishop Rood said, "You need to look at this in a more positive light. You need to think about what crimes you might have committed, and the things that you could have done better as a husband to prevent this situation for occuring."
"But Bishop, this isn't the first time she's cheated on me."
"You need to look at your marriage as a beautiful park. It reminds me of this place near the Idaho Falls Temple, where they have this nice park. Did you know that underneath it, it used to be a land fill?"
"No. I didn't." Brother Jezabel said uncertainly.
"Are you going to go digging into your wives past about all her affairs, when she has created a beautiful home for you, fed you dinner, and helped out with keeping your homebusiness going?" Bishop Rood said while squeezing Sister Jezabels knee under the blanket.
"So are you going to destroy your beautiful garden, your beautiful park by bring up this old garbage?" Rood said, "You are being far too negative. Stop digging up dirt, turn around like a good priesthood holder, go out the door and lock it behind you. Can you commit to do that Brother Jezabel, can you step up to the plate and be a father to your kids by going out there and keeping them out of trouble for the next half hour."
"Ummmm..." Brother Jezabel said uncertainly.
"I think that Satan has got a hold of you brother Jezabel. I can see that the anger you have is not good for you. Now if you will excuse us, we were in an important meeting."
"Ummmm..ahhh." Brother Jezabel started moving towards the door.
"There's a good fellow." Rood said, "Now if you could come back in about a half hour with some Sprite, I'd really appreciate it."
Brother Jezabel walked out the door locking it behind him.
"I think I might have to bring him in to have a discussion about following the brethern with complete obedience, for a moment there, I thought he'd shoot us." Bishop Rood commented before sticking his lips back to Sister Jezabel's face.
"Now I know that this might look bad honey..." Sister Jezabel started stammering.
"SHUT UP!" Brother Jezabel screamed.
"Now there you go Brother Jezabel, always trying to look at things from a negative light." Bishop Rood said, "You need to look at this in a more positive light. You need to think about what crimes you might have committed, and the things that you could have done better as a husband to prevent this situation for occuring."
"But Bishop, this isn't the first time she's cheated on me."
"You need to look at your marriage as a beautiful park. It reminds me of this place near the Idaho Falls Temple, where they have this nice park. Did you know that underneath it, it used to be a land fill?"
"No. I didn't." Brother Jezabel said uncertainly.
"Are you going to go digging into your wives past about all her affairs, when she has created a beautiful home for you, fed you dinner, and helped out with keeping your homebusiness going?" Bishop Rood said while squeezing Sister Jezabels knee under the blanket.
"So are you going to destroy your beautiful garden, your beautiful park by bring up this old garbage?" Rood said, "You are being far too negative. Stop digging up dirt, turn around like a good priesthood holder, go out the door and lock it behind you. Can you commit to do that Brother Jezabel, can you step up to the plate and be a father to your kids by going out there and keeping them out of trouble for the next half hour."
"Ummmm..." Brother Jezabel said uncertainly.
"I think that Satan has got a hold of you brother Jezabel. I can see that the anger you have is not good for you. Now if you will excuse us, we were in an important meeting."
"Ummmm..ahhh." Brother Jezabel started moving towards the door.
"There's a good fellow." Rood said, "Now if you could come back in about a half hour with some Sprite, I'd really appreciate it."
Brother Jezabel walked out the door locking it behind him.
"I think I might have to bring him in to have a discussion about following the brethern with complete obedience, for a moment there, I thought he'd shoot us." Bishop Rood commented before sticking his lips back to Sister Jezabel's face.
Bishop Rood Makes a Living
Bishop Isaac Milton Rood looked down at the spatula and at the burning meat on the grill in front of him.
"Hey, Isaac? How are you liking it here?" His Crew Chief Morton asked.
"Isaac! How dare you not treat me with proper respect! The title is Bishop!" Bishop Rood then grabbed Morton by the throat and began squeezing.
"Ugga hkkka. haaakk." Morton responded as Rood continued his grip.
Suddenly, arms were pulling him off of the startled Crew Chief.
"Mr. Rood! YOU ARE FIRED!" The store manager said.
"As Bishop Rood walked out cursing under his breath, he made a mental note to stop getting offended anytime someone at work used his first name. This was the 5th job he had lost this week.
"Hey, Isaac? How are you liking it here?" His Crew Chief Morton asked.
"Isaac! How dare you not treat me with proper respect! The title is Bishop!" Bishop Rood then grabbed Morton by the throat and began squeezing.
"Ugga hkkka. haaakk." Morton responded as Rood continued his grip.
Suddenly, arms were pulling him off of the startled Crew Chief.
"Mr. Rood! YOU ARE FIRED!" The store manager said.
"As Bishop Rood walked out cursing under his breath, he made a mental note to stop getting offended anytime someone at work used his first name. This was the 5th job he had lost this week.
Things the Proofers Missed Regarding the Book of Mormon
10. The Principle ancestors statement. The principal vs. one of the principal.
09. The Testimony of the 3 Witnesses
08. Testimony of the 8 witnesses
07. Nephi whacking off Labans head while he was drunk
06. All those Isaiah verses
05. All that war stuff
04. The White and delightsome phrases
03. That whole Jesus in America bit
02. That whole Ether thing with the Brother of Jared
01. Everything between page 1 and page 531
09. The Testimony of the 3 Witnesses
08. Testimony of the 8 witnesses
07. Nephi whacking off Labans head while he was drunk
06. All those Isaiah verses
05. All that war stuff
04. The White and delightsome phrases
03. That whole Jesus in America bit
02. That whole Ether thing with the Brother of Jared
01. Everything between page 1 and page 531
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Bishop Rood Gives A Rousing Talk On Fast Offerings
Today I am going to discuss the way that the Church takes care of those who are less fortunate among us. These are what we might refer to as the Ward's 'white trash'. For example the Millers over in the third row on the lefthand side would fall into that category. (Bishop Rood motions over towards the Millers)
Now, not to mince words, but it takes a lot of money to support the Millers, and Brother Millers cigarette addiction. I have spoke often with him in confidence to try and give up this awful habit. I have also counseled him time and time again to get off his lazy but and go get a job, even if it's at Burger King. Sadly, Brother Miller is one of those guys who will live off the Churches teets for the rest of his life. Peggy (Bishop Rood gestures to wife) you have a lot to bear. If you ever need to come in and have a talk about your situation in private, I'm here for you.
What I am saying is that we are not getting enough in Fast Offerings from the rest of the ward to support people like Brother Miller. We need to actually borrow extra resources from the stake in order to treat my drug habit..I mean..some of the members prescription drug plans.
I am going to now give you a little story on the importance of paying your fast offerings. The other day Brother and Sister Jones who usually sit on the back row with their 3 wild and snotty kids who make it impossible for those in the foyer and the overflow section to hear much.
Where was I? Oh yes, so the Jones come in asking if they could have some financial assistance, 400 dollars to cover the Mortage, because he was going through a job transfer and had been off without pay for a week.
So I said, well that might be possible, but let me check and see what you've been paying for fast offerings. So I looked it up and saw that the Jones had been giving 20 dollars a month. So I said..You have only been giving the Lord 20 dollars a month so he can help people in need, like the millers, and you expect that you could get a loan for 400. I then said that if they had been more diligent in paying more, then they could have the money.
Brother Jones...if you want 400 dollars, then you are going to need to first submit 400 dollars to the Fast Offering fund. This way, I will know that you aren't trying to cheat the Lord. It must be secured.
And this is a testament to me, and to you that you should pay a liberal Fast Offerings, not just the amount from 2 meals from Fasting, but the amount in advance that you foresee needing to borrow from the church against any future loss of income.
I know that this must seem like hard doctrine to some of you, but you know what you can go do with yourselves.
In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen
Now, not to mince words, but it takes a lot of money to support the Millers, and Brother Millers cigarette addiction. I have spoke often with him in confidence to try and give up this awful habit. I have also counseled him time and time again to get off his lazy but and go get a job, even if it's at Burger King. Sadly, Brother Miller is one of those guys who will live off the Churches teets for the rest of his life. Peggy (Bishop Rood gestures to wife) you have a lot to bear. If you ever need to come in and have a talk about your situation in private, I'm here for you.
What I am saying is that we are not getting enough in Fast Offerings from the rest of the ward to support people like Brother Miller. We need to actually borrow extra resources from the stake in order to treat my drug habit..I mean..some of the members prescription drug plans.
I am going to now give you a little story on the importance of paying your fast offerings. The other day Brother and Sister Jones who usually sit on the back row with their 3 wild and snotty kids who make it impossible for those in the foyer and the overflow section to hear much.
Where was I? Oh yes, so the Jones come in asking if they could have some financial assistance, 400 dollars to cover the Mortage, because he was going through a job transfer and had been off without pay for a week.
So I said, well that might be possible, but let me check and see what you've been paying for fast offerings. So I looked it up and saw that the Jones had been giving 20 dollars a month. So I said..You have only been giving the Lord 20 dollars a month so he can help people in need, like the millers, and you expect that you could get a loan for 400. I then said that if they had been more diligent in paying more, then they could have the money.
Brother Jones...if you want 400 dollars, then you are going to need to first submit 400 dollars to the Fast Offering fund. This way, I will know that you aren't trying to cheat the Lord. It must be secured.
And this is a testament to me, and to you that you should pay a liberal Fast Offerings, not just the amount from 2 meals from Fasting, but the amount in advance that you foresee needing to borrow from the church against any future loss of income.
I know that this must seem like hard doctrine to some of you, but you know what you can go do with yourselves.
In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Bishop Rood Get's A KOLOB Express Card
1
Bishop Rood sat in front of his television watching an old Benny Hill rerun and playing with his little hot wheels car he had bought on a whim while he was out shopping the other day at Wal-Mart.
"Vroom, Vrooom," he glanced at the screen seeing a scantily clad lady, "Varroooom! I'd sure like to give her a ride!" He said getting a little excited. He needed a release.
He went to the large freezer he kept in the 2nd bedroom and pulled out the remains of his long deceased 2nd wife, whom he claimed to the ward and stake presidency was still alive, but just sick, in order to keep his position as Bishop of the Flatliner 10th Ward.
Of course the Stake Presidency and members of the bishopric had come by to help him give blessings..to a blow up doll of Jenna Jameson he had bought a couple of years ago. He was actually surprised that none of the men seemed to realize that they were giving a priesthood blessing to a blowup doll, but then these leaders were nitwits. That's why Bishop Rood had chosen the particular counselors he had. They were a couple of cards short of a deck, a quarter low on gas, a teaspoon down on Quick, etc.
As he was searching through the freezer to find a body part, he heard his mail come through the slit in the front door. He closed the freezer and went to the door, hoping that he may have received the set of Lorenzo Snow's dentures he had bought off of ebay. They had cost him a fortune too. 300 bucks. He really didn't know what he would do with them. He was thinking of attaching a motor to them and making them like those plastic clicking teeth thingies he had seen at novelty stores.
It wasn't there. He did however have his water bill, his gas bill, his cable bill and some credit card applications. He was starting to rip these when he noticed that one was glowing the light of heaven.
KOLOB Express Card, No Credit Limit, No Annual Fees, 2% minimum payments, eternal grace period.
"Hmmm, this looks interesting." He opened it up and started reading over the application.
"Wow! an unlimited credit limit!"
He started filling in the information. He put down his annual income as 13000 dollars. He figured there was no need to lie on the thing, they would probably run his credit anyways. He then put it into the return mail.
He could see that Gilligans Island was now playing on the screen. He could never decide which he would rather eat for dinner, Mary Ann or Ginger. He thought they both looked pretty tasty. He had developed a liking for necrophilia on one of the 3 ocassions that he had died and hadn't been able to get over it.
He had tried electroshock therapy at the Evergreen Center and had gotten addicted to electricity and ocassionally needed to stick a fork in a light socket to get a fix, but had toned that down a bit using relaxation techniques he had learned when he was dead another time.
He looked awful of course when he came back to life, but through proper diet and exercise, he was able to not look like one of the undead. He wasn't actually an undead, he just kept getting resurrected when he died because Eloheim and Jesus couldn't stand him, and Lucifer thought of him as a threat to his dominion and power. So where else you going to place someone you don't like, but on Earth. Rood was a child even his Eternal Father and Mother in Heaven couldn't love.
He heard some more mail drop through the door. It was glowing with a heavenly light. He picked it up. IT WAS HIS CARD! Wow! That was really fast. He pulled out the paperwork from the application on the section he kept and read 'Allow 6 to 8 minutes for processing'
He opened up the package and found the instructions.
'To be used like a Visa.' He looked at the card and saw a small logo that would change to look like the Visa, Mastercard, or Discover Card symbol depending on which way it was reflected in the light.
"Cool!" Rood said to himself. He looked to see what the credit limit was. It had the infinity symbol on it.
"It looks like it's time to Party!"
Bishop Rood grabbed his coat and headed out the door.
2
Bishop Rood drove about the town of Spittington Vermont in his old beatup Ford Pinto. The back half of the car was reattached with some skilled welding and duct tape. It was necessary, even though the car had been hit from the back blowing it to smithereens as per the recall back in the 70s, because Bishop Rood was too cheap to buy a newer model like a Gremlin.
Oh sure, perhaps he could have tried to sneak off some tithing money when his counselors weren't paying that much attention, but he made more money actually putting himself on welfare then he would be able to get from the tithing receipts anyways.
His little car puttered along and he saw the Golden Arches ahead. He was going to try a Big Mac for the first time! He had never been able to afford one before. Well actually that wasn't true, he could have, but he was too cheap and could never get someone to buy one for him. He used to go out on dates in college and take the woman out to dinner. When it came time to pay for the bill, he would feign shock that he had forgotten his wallet and start panicking. He would then 'pretend' to call home to ask someone to bring it to him, but for some reason or other, either a storm, or a conflicting interest at home, the wallet couldn't be brought to him until around midnight. Usually at this his date would get impatient and then offer to pay. Of course a couple of times regrettably he did end up washing dishes.
He drove up proudly in his Pinto to the drive up window.
"Yes, may I take your order?" The person on the other end of the squak box asked.
"Yes. I would like to buy a Big Mac." Bishop Rood said proudly.
"Would you like fries and a drink with that?" The voice asked.
He had never thought of doing a combo meal. Oh that sounded absolutely exciting.
"Yes, I would like fries and a drink." Rood said again proudly.
"What kind of drink?"
"Do you guys have Pierre Mon Blanc Chardonne?" Rood asked.
"Oh you are a hoot! No we have Sprite, Coke, Rootbeer, and Orange."
"You sell the cursed drink of Satan! Coca Cola is of the devil!" Rood started screaming in hysterics about how evil it was.
"Whoah! Sorry Mister. You want a Sprite then?"
"No, make it a Coke." Rood said sheepishly like he was trying to secretly buy porno magazines without getting caught.
He went up and payed for his purchase. The fries where really good, but the burger was really greasy and looked nothing like the picture on the side of the store. He really enjoyed this shopping thing!
Next he went over to the mall and bought some new sneakers. The card worked great!
By the end of the day he had bought a fishing cap, a Atlanta Braves Cap, A New York Yankees Cap, and a Cleveland Indians Gown. He had also bought several books he never planned to read, but was going to set them out on his desk so that when people dropped by he would look 'smart'
The next day he payed off his rent. Then he thought. "I think I will go and buy myself a new car."
But what car would most exert his supreme authority as the Bishop of his ward. And then the obvious choice hit him. The Lincoln Town Car, certa 1997 would do perfect!
He only got 100 dollars on his trade in, which he thought was kind of cheap. It should have brought in at least 200 dollars.
He then got into his brand new 'to him' Lincoln Town Car, thinking what he would like to buy next. So far he had definitely gone over the 200 dollar max that some cards have. He was able to buy the car outright and pay it off. Though he did haggle for a few minutes to get a better deal.
Maybe he should buy a company or something.
When he got home he turned on his computer and went to the internet.
"Hmmm. Which company should I buy?" Rood surfed around for a few minutes.
"I think I'm going to test the credit limit on this card." Rood smiled, and then picked up the phone.
"This is information, how can I help you?" A voice on the other end of the line said.
"Yes, can you get me the direct phone number for the Pope in Rome?, Wait a minute! Why are you laughing. Stupid woman thought I was crank calling. Hmmm. The phone company is US West. I think I'll try and buy them and then fire here sorry ass."
Bishop Rood got a really big evil grin on his face and starting cackling like a mad scientist out to take over the world
3
Bishop Rood was unstoppable. Nothing could hold back his spending. Since getting the card he had bought in now particular order, US West, The Jehovah Witnesses Church, Victorias Secret, The New York Stock Exchange, The Brooklyn Bridge, Canada, and Swaziland in Africa.
However, his purchasing power had some unforeseen consequences for the world. He had introduced to the world economy approximately 500 Billion dollars worth of cash that had not even existed last week. This threw the US Economy, The European Union, and other economic powers into hyper-inflation, and boosting up the prices on consumer goods.
Bishop Rood walked around the local Wal-Mart, looking to get some cheeze wiz and crackers, and maybe buy off some kids from some parents.
"Wow! I can't believe the price on this!" He heard someone swearing. Bishop Rood turned around to see one of his ward members Sister Drisdale looking at a bag of potato chips.
"What's the problem? Sister Drisdale?" Bishop Rood asked.
"I don't know, but for some reason I can't fathom the price of potato chips has gone up from 2 dollars to 500 dollars! I CAN'T AFFORD TO FEED MY FAMILY!" She whaled.
"Now there there!" Bishop Rood said giving her a hug and trying to cope a feel without Sister Drisdale noticing.
It was curious though. Why had prices suddenly jumped up so high? Oh well, though it was interesting, it wasn't his concern really.
The next week he bought OnStar, and AOL, and Microsoft, and the Reformed Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Days Saints. Then he fired the prophet of that Church and put himself at the head and moved his headquarters to Rome and started building his own Roodican City. Which introduced another 500 Billion dollars or so to the world, causing even more inflation.
Then the world governments began to print more money to try and meet the spending demands of the hyper-inflation, which caused even more inflation. Still Rood was unconcerned.
First small businesses started collapsing, and then major corporations also started failing, because they could not meet expenses. Then it got really bad as the worlds economy collapsed and an all out war broke out in Asia between China and Russia for recources.
Rood watched on his big screen tv in Bill Gates mansion. Gates was a pretty good butler all things considered. It was the only way he could afford to stay at his home, what with all the expenses and everything because of the inflation.
"Wow! That is some sort of big war they got going on there." Rood said.
"Yes indeed Sir. Gates said while bending down to start the daily clippings of Bishop Roods toenails.
In walked his other butler Donald Trump carrying in his mail.
He looked through it. There were some credit card applications with a fixed rate of 60%, some catalogue mailers, and his first credit card bill for his KOLOB Express Card.
He opened it up and started gasping.
"Oh my Gawd!" Rood swore. Gates looked up.
"Is there a problem sir?" He asked, relieved for a respite from doing the clippings.
"How could I have spent 14 TRILLION Dollars!?" Rood said angrily. He looked down further to read
Minimum Payment Due: 28 Billion Dollars
"Hey Bill?" Rood asked.
"Yes?"
"Could you spot me a few Billion? I promise to pay it back."
"Certainly not!" Bill got up and walked out.
Bishop Rood called the number listed on the form for the payment department.
"KOLOB Express Payment Processing Department, how can I help you?" A pleasant female voice said on the other end.
"Um. Yes, now if I understand right, I have an unlimited grace period to pay my bills?" Rood asked.
"Yes, that is correct as long as you remember to pay the minimum payment each month." the Agent answered.
"Ah, can I pay my credit card with my credit card." Rood asked.
"I am afraid that's not possible." The agent said.
"Dammit!" Rood swore, "um I owe a minimum of 28 Billion dollars. What am I supposed to pay that off with?"
"Do you have any other credit cards or other collateral?"
"No?" Rood said quietly
"It says here that you just bought the country of the Yemen Republic. You could use that as collateral against the bill."
"But I like the Yemen Republic. They have some nice golf courses there." Rood protested.
"Well you have to use something for collateral against a payment or we will be forced to seize all of your property." The agent said.
"Well, I guess it's Yemen then." Rood said defeated.
It was quite a shock of horror to all the people in Yemen when an exact outline of the polital boundaries of the country started ripping from the Earth and then moving rapidly though space to a far away place where the KOLOB Expresses headquarters were located. Over 30 million people died that day , either from the quakes as the whole country was moved, or by a lack of oxygen as they went further out into space leaving the atmosphere.
But Bishop Rood could sleep soundly tonight knowing he had kept his creditors off his back for another month.
Bishop Rood sat in front of his television watching an old Benny Hill rerun and playing with his little hot wheels car he had bought on a whim while he was out shopping the other day at Wal-Mart.
"Vroom, Vrooom," he glanced at the screen seeing a scantily clad lady, "Varroooom! I'd sure like to give her a ride!" He said getting a little excited. He needed a release.
He went to the large freezer he kept in the 2nd bedroom and pulled out the remains of his long deceased 2nd wife, whom he claimed to the ward and stake presidency was still alive, but just sick, in order to keep his position as Bishop of the Flatliner 10th Ward.
Of course the Stake Presidency and members of the bishopric had come by to help him give blessings..to a blow up doll of Jenna Jameson he had bought a couple of years ago. He was actually surprised that none of the men seemed to realize that they were giving a priesthood blessing to a blowup doll, but then these leaders were nitwits. That's why Bishop Rood had chosen the particular counselors he had. They were a couple of cards short of a deck, a quarter low on gas, a teaspoon down on Quick, etc.
As he was searching through the freezer to find a body part, he heard his mail come through the slit in the front door. He closed the freezer and went to the door, hoping that he may have received the set of Lorenzo Snow's dentures he had bought off of ebay. They had cost him a fortune too. 300 bucks. He really didn't know what he would do with them. He was thinking of attaching a motor to them and making them like those plastic clicking teeth thingies he had seen at novelty stores.
It wasn't there. He did however have his water bill, his gas bill, his cable bill and some credit card applications. He was starting to rip these when he noticed that one was glowing the light of heaven.
KOLOB Express Card, No Credit Limit, No Annual Fees, 2% minimum payments, eternal grace period.
"Hmmm, this looks interesting." He opened it up and started reading over the application.
"Wow! an unlimited credit limit!"
He started filling in the information. He put down his annual income as 13000 dollars. He figured there was no need to lie on the thing, they would probably run his credit anyways. He then put it into the return mail.
He could see that Gilligans Island was now playing on the screen. He could never decide which he would rather eat for dinner, Mary Ann or Ginger. He thought they both looked pretty tasty. He had developed a liking for necrophilia on one of the 3 ocassions that he had died and hadn't been able to get over it.
He had tried electroshock therapy at the Evergreen Center and had gotten addicted to electricity and ocassionally needed to stick a fork in a light socket to get a fix, but had toned that down a bit using relaxation techniques he had learned when he was dead another time.
He looked awful of course when he came back to life, but through proper diet and exercise, he was able to not look like one of the undead. He wasn't actually an undead, he just kept getting resurrected when he died because Eloheim and Jesus couldn't stand him, and Lucifer thought of him as a threat to his dominion and power. So where else you going to place someone you don't like, but on Earth. Rood was a child even his Eternal Father and Mother in Heaven couldn't love.
He heard some more mail drop through the door. It was glowing with a heavenly light. He picked it up. IT WAS HIS CARD! Wow! That was really fast. He pulled out the paperwork from the application on the section he kept and read 'Allow 6 to 8 minutes for processing'
He opened up the package and found the instructions.
'To be used like a Visa.' He looked at the card and saw a small logo that would change to look like the Visa, Mastercard, or Discover Card symbol depending on which way it was reflected in the light.
"Cool!" Rood said to himself. He looked to see what the credit limit was. It had the infinity symbol on it.
"It looks like it's time to Party!"
Bishop Rood grabbed his coat and headed out the door.
2
Bishop Rood drove about the town of Spittington Vermont in his old beatup Ford Pinto. The back half of the car was reattached with some skilled welding and duct tape. It was necessary, even though the car had been hit from the back blowing it to smithereens as per the recall back in the 70s, because Bishop Rood was too cheap to buy a newer model like a Gremlin.
Oh sure, perhaps he could have tried to sneak off some tithing money when his counselors weren't paying that much attention, but he made more money actually putting himself on welfare then he would be able to get from the tithing receipts anyways.
His little car puttered along and he saw the Golden Arches ahead. He was going to try a Big Mac for the first time! He had never been able to afford one before. Well actually that wasn't true, he could have, but he was too cheap and could never get someone to buy one for him. He used to go out on dates in college and take the woman out to dinner. When it came time to pay for the bill, he would feign shock that he had forgotten his wallet and start panicking. He would then 'pretend' to call home to ask someone to bring it to him, but for some reason or other, either a storm, or a conflicting interest at home, the wallet couldn't be brought to him until around midnight. Usually at this his date would get impatient and then offer to pay. Of course a couple of times regrettably he did end up washing dishes.
He drove up proudly in his Pinto to the drive up window.
"Yes, may I take your order?" The person on the other end of the squak box asked.
"Yes. I would like to buy a Big Mac." Bishop Rood said proudly.
"Would you like fries and a drink with that?" The voice asked.
He had never thought of doing a combo meal. Oh that sounded absolutely exciting.
"Yes, I would like fries and a drink." Rood said again proudly.
"What kind of drink?"
"Do you guys have Pierre Mon Blanc Chardonne?" Rood asked.
"Oh you are a hoot! No we have Sprite, Coke, Rootbeer, and Orange."
"You sell the cursed drink of Satan! Coca Cola is of the devil!" Rood started screaming in hysterics about how evil it was.
"Whoah! Sorry Mister. You want a Sprite then?"
"No, make it a Coke." Rood said sheepishly like he was trying to secretly buy porno magazines without getting caught.
He went up and payed for his purchase. The fries where really good, but the burger was really greasy and looked nothing like the picture on the side of the store. He really enjoyed this shopping thing!
Next he went over to the mall and bought some new sneakers. The card worked great!
By the end of the day he had bought a fishing cap, a Atlanta Braves Cap, A New York Yankees Cap, and a Cleveland Indians Gown. He had also bought several books he never planned to read, but was going to set them out on his desk so that when people dropped by he would look 'smart'
The next day he payed off his rent. Then he thought. "I think I will go and buy myself a new car."
But what car would most exert his supreme authority as the Bishop of his ward. And then the obvious choice hit him. The Lincoln Town Car, certa 1997 would do perfect!
He only got 100 dollars on his trade in, which he thought was kind of cheap. It should have brought in at least 200 dollars.
He then got into his brand new 'to him' Lincoln Town Car, thinking what he would like to buy next. So far he had definitely gone over the 200 dollar max that some cards have. He was able to buy the car outright and pay it off. Though he did haggle for a few minutes to get a better deal.
Maybe he should buy a company or something.
When he got home he turned on his computer and went to the internet.
"Hmmm. Which company should I buy?" Rood surfed around for a few minutes.
"I think I'm going to test the credit limit on this card." Rood smiled, and then picked up the phone.
"This is information, how can I help you?" A voice on the other end of the line said.
"Yes, can you get me the direct phone number for the Pope in Rome?, Wait a minute! Why are you laughing. Stupid woman thought I was crank calling. Hmmm. The phone company is US West. I think I'll try and buy them and then fire here sorry ass."
Bishop Rood got a really big evil grin on his face and starting cackling like a mad scientist out to take over the world
3
Bishop Rood was unstoppable. Nothing could hold back his spending. Since getting the card he had bought in now particular order, US West, The Jehovah Witnesses Church, Victorias Secret, The New York Stock Exchange, The Brooklyn Bridge, Canada, and Swaziland in Africa.
However, his purchasing power had some unforeseen consequences for the world. He had introduced to the world economy approximately 500 Billion dollars worth of cash that had not even existed last week. This threw the US Economy, The European Union, and other economic powers into hyper-inflation, and boosting up the prices on consumer goods.
Bishop Rood walked around the local Wal-Mart, looking to get some cheeze wiz and crackers, and maybe buy off some kids from some parents.
"Wow! I can't believe the price on this!" He heard someone swearing. Bishop Rood turned around to see one of his ward members Sister Drisdale looking at a bag of potato chips.
"What's the problem? Sister Drisdale?" Bishop Rood asked.
"I don't know, but for some reason I can't fathom the price of potato chips has gone up from 2 dollars to 500 dollars! I CAN'T AFFORD TO FEED MY FAMILY!" She whaled.
"Now there there!" Bishop Rood said giving her a hug and trying to cope a feel without Sister Drisdale noticing.
It was curious though. Why had prices suddenly jumped up so high? Oh well, though it was interesting, it wasn't his concern really.
The next week he bought OnStar, and AOL, and Microsoft, and the Reformed Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Days Saints. Then he fired the prophet of that Church and put himself at the head and moved his headquarters to Rome and started building his own Roodican City. Which introduced another 500 Billion dollars or so to the world, causing even more inflation.
Then the world governments began to print more money to try and meet the spending demands of the hyper-inflation, which caused even more inflation. Still Rood was unconcerned.
First small businesses started collapsing, and then major corporations also started failing, because they could not meet expenses. Then it got really bad as the worlds economy collapsed and an all out war broke out in Asia between China and Russia for recources.
Rood watched on his big screen tv in Bill Gates mansion. Gates was a pretty good butler all things considered. It was the only way he could afford to stay at his home, what with all the expenses and everything because of the inflation.
"Wow! That is some sort of big war they got going on there." Rood said.
"Yes indeed Sir. Gates said while bending down to start the daily clippings of Bishop Roods toenails.
In walked his other butler Donald Trump carrying in his mail.
He looked through it. There were some credit card applications with a fixed rate of 60%, some catalogue mailers, and his first credit card bill for his KOLOB Express Card.
He opened it up and started gasping.
"Oh my Gawd!" Rood swore. Gates looked up.
"Is there a problem sir?" He asked, relieved for a respite from doing the clippings.
"How could I have spent 14 TRILLION Dollars!?" Rood said angrily. He looked down further to read
Minimum Payment Due: 28 Billion Dollars
"Hey Bill?" Rood asked.
"Yes?"
"Could you spot me a few Billion? I promise to pay it back."
"Certainly not!" Bill got up and walked out.
Bishop Rood called the number listed on the form for the payment department.
"KOLOB Express Payment Processing Department, how can I help you?" A pleasant female voice said on the other end.
"Um. Yes, now if I understand right, I have an unlimited grace period to pay my bills?" Rood asked.
"Yes, that is correct as long as you remember to pay the minimum payment each month." the Agent answered.
"Ah, can I pay my credit card with my credit card." Rood asked.
"I am afraid that's not possible." The agent said.
"Dammit!" Rood swore, "um I owe a minimum of 28 Billion dollars. What am I supposed to pay that off with?"
"Do you have any other credit cards or other collateral?"
"No?" Rood said quietly
"It says here that you just bought the country of the Yemen Republic. You could use that as collateral against the bill."
"But I like the Yemen Republic. They have some nice golf courses there." Rood protested.
"Well you have to use something for collateral against a payment or we will be forced to seize all of your property." The agent said.
"Well, I guess it's Yemen then." Rood said defeated.
It was quite a shock of horror to all the people in Yemen when an exact outline of the polital boundaries of the country started ripping from the Earth and then moving rapidly though space to a far away place where the KOLOB Expresses headquarters were located. Over 30 million people died that day , either from the quakes as the whole country was moved, or by a lack of oxygen as they went further out into space leaving the atmosphere.
But Bishop Rood could sleep soundly tonight knowing he had kept his creditors off his back for another month.
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