Bishop Rood Councils A Married Couple Using the Old Testament

Bishop Isaac Milton Rood took a brief moment to ACTUALLY read the scriptures. He hadn't actually read the scriptures since he was in Seminary as a kid, so most of his doctrine came from his pornography supply and Ann Landers Columns. When he had to deal with 'Deep Doctrine' issues, he just told people to go to FAIR on the internet. That Daniel Peterson was a GOD, as far as Bishop Rood was concerned, though he had never gotten past the first paragraph of anything he ever wrote.

"Hmmm...That's interesting. I LIKE IT!!!" Bishop Rood thought to himself and then folded the page in half for later reference.

KNOCK KNOCK

It appeared that his next appointment was her. Brother Rug Matt had asked to speak with the Bishop immediately be cause he was having marital problems. His wife was pretty cute. Bishop Rood hoped it was serious. He really wanted to scrog her on the side.

"Well COME IN!" Bishop Rood said with a stern voice.

The door opened and in walked Brother Rug Matt.

'What a Stupid name...Rug' Rood thought, 'Was his mother Sarah Palin?'

"Well what can I do for you Brother Rug?" Rood asked without emotion.

"I think my wife is cheating on me!" the man looked like he was about to break down in tears.

"Well what makes you say that?" Rood asked.

"When she comes home from work, she has a GLOW about her, that I haven't seen since we first got married. She also always has a headache whenever I try to get some."

"Well, have her come in on Tuesday and we will see what she has to say about it."

Tuesday

Bishop Rood followed the instructions he had read in the Old Testament and had created a drink to the best of his understanding, which was generally about as sharp as a dull mallet.

Knock Knock.

"C'mon in." Rood said.

In walked Sister Melissa Matt and her husband Brother Rug Matt.

"So Sister Matt, have you been doing the Mumbo with someone at work?" Rood decided to get right to the point.

"The Mumbo?" Sister Matt asked.

"Spreading the legs, doing the humpty dumpty, scrogging, screeching in glee...HAVING SEX with someone other than your husband!? Geesh." Rood asked as if he was talking to the dumbest person on Earth.

"NO!! I would NEVER cheat on my husband!" She protested, "I LOVE my SWEET Ruggie Pooh!"

"OH GAWD." Bishop Rood felt vomit coming up. He repressed the urge to puke. "Let's test that!"

"How?" Brother Matt asked.

"I have a bitter drink here. In the Old Testament, it councils that if a woman is believed to be sleeping around, but there are no witnesses to confirm it, than the husband can bring the woman to the priesthood, that's me, and he will administer a bitter drink. She is supposed to drink it ALL." Rood said

"And what will THAT prove?" Sister Matt asked incrediously.

"Well, if your stomach becomes enlarged and you have a bloody emission, we will KNOW that you have been doing extracurricular activities at work. I don't know why woman feel they should work out of the home anyways. Needless to say, if you don't blow up like a balloon, than we will know you are innocent!"

"Heh heh. That will prove nothing! But, if you want to us antiquated methods to prove guilt or innocence, that's fine with me!" She reach for the drink and gulped it down.

Then she started sweating profusely. She grabbed for her throat giving the universal sign for choking, but she started coughing and then gagging. Her color was turning purple

"Shouldn't we call for an ambulance!?" Brother Matt asked.

"I am sure this is all part of the plan." Bishop Rood said

Sister Melissa Matt collapsed out of her chair and was dead within 10 minutes.

"I am sorry Brother Rug Matt, but it appears your wife was cheating on you."

(Here I intentionally leave a big hole in the story as to what they did with the body, and also avoid putting Rood in jail for murder, and proceed to later that evening)

Bishop Isaac Milton Rood browsed the net looking for what concoction was used in Old Testament Times

"Well that's no different than a lousy tasting Tea. Hmmm...maybe Anti-Freeze was a bad idea."

12 Days of Smithmas

On the first day of Smithtmas,
my tbm love sent to me
A Patriarchial Blessing

On the second day of Smithtmas
my tbm love sent to me
Two tracting Elders,
And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the third day of Smithtmas
my tbm love sent to me
The Three Nephites,
Two tracting Elders,
And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the fourth day of Smithtmas
my tbm love sent to me
Four IMPORTANT Callings,
The Three Nephites,
Two tracting Elders,
And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the fifth day of Smithtmas
my tbm love sent to me
Five golden bibles,
Four IMPORTANT Callings,
The Three Nephites,
Two tracting Elders,
And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the sixth day of Smithtmas
my tbm love sent to me
Six geezers hands a-laying,
Five golden bibles,
Four IMPORTANT Callings,
The Three Nephites,
Two tracting Elders,
And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the seventh day of Smithtmas
my tbm love sent to me
Seven warnings against a-swimming,
Six geezers hands a-laying
Five golden bibles,
Four IMPORTANT Callings,
The Three Nephites,
Two tracting Elders,
And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the eighth day of Smithtmas
my tbm love sent to me
Eight Mia-maids a sleeping
Seven warnings against a-swimming,
Six geezers hands a-laying
Five golden bibles
Four IMPORTANT Callings,
The Three Nephites,
Two tracting Elders,
And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the ninth day of Smithtmas
my tbm love sent to me
Nine ladies subordinating,
Eight Mia-maids a sleeping
Seven warnings against a-swimming,
Six geezers hands a-laying
Five golden bibles
Four IMPORTANT Callings,
The Three Nephites,
Two tracting Elders,
And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the tenth day of Smithtmas
my tbm love sent to me
Ten Brethren Kissing Butt,
Nine ladies subordinating,
Eight Mia-maids a sleeping
Seven warnings against a-swimming,
Six geezers hands a-laying
Five golden bibles
Four IMPORTANT Callings,
The Three Nephites,
Two tracting Elders,
And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the eleventh day of Smithtmas
my tbm love sent to me
Eleven Bishops a guilt-tripping
Ten Brethren Kissing Butt,
Nine ladies subordinating,
Eight Mia-maids a sleeping
Seven warnings against a-swimming,
Six geezers hands a-laying
Five golden bibles
Four IMPORTANT Callings,
The Three Nephites,
Two tracting Elders,
And A Patriarchial Blessing.

On the twelfth day of Smithtmas
my tbm love sent to me
Twelve Apostles monotoning,
Eleven Bishops a guilt-tripping
Ten Brethren Kissing Butt,
Nine ladies subordinating,
Eight Mia-maids a sleeping
Seven warnings against a-swimming,
Six geezers hands a-laying
Five golden bibles
Four IMPORTANT Callings,
The Three Nephites,
Two tracting Elders,
And A Patriarchial Blessing!