Local Unit Has 100% Activity Rate

Church News Exclusive -

Fiddle String, AR

"We find out what the men like, and then give it to them." said Bishop Isaac Milton Rood of the 2nd Fiddle Ward in the Hot Spot Arkansas Stake.

"We tried all sorts of activities to get the less active to attend. We tried basketball parties, and little socials. We tried surveys to see what they were interested in, but still nothing. We sent them cookies enough to make them fat, but still nothing. Oh sure they might attend for one Sunday and then they would drop off the face of the Earth again."

"So what did you do Bishop Rood?" I asked.

"Well, I did what any person skilled in the art of law enforcement and mob infiltration would do, I had them tailed. I wanted to find out exactly what it was they were interested in. Because I think they were lying on the surveys. It really changed what activities we started holding to get them to attend."

"Well, what then. What activities did you start introducting to make them active?" I asked.

"Well, we got rid of the lesson manual completely and switched to watching videos during Elders Quorum and the High Priests Meetings. The regular attenders seemed to like the change too."

"Could you be more specific?" I asked.

"Well let's just say that our get togethers are alot more 'spirit filled," and our lessons are more aimed at conquering the sins of the flesh through built up exposure."

"You mean to say that your activities involve the use of alcohol, and you have been watching porno films during Priesthood?"

"Well, just a bit. The other night we went into one of the more seedy parts of town and blew the entire Ward Budget on some illegal drugs. I wanted to show the men what it was that they were trying to avoid by experiencing it firsthand."

"But aren't you just helping the less active and the members to sin! This is outrageous."

"I don't think of it as helping them to sin. I think of it as a resistence exercise through exposure. We make sure to pray at the beginning and ending of every event. In fact we are about to show Call Girls Bimbos 13 in Priesthood today in place of the lesson in the manuel on obedience. You want to check it out?" Rood asked.

I walked in timidly to a crowd of over 200 men eagerly awaiting the lesson. Bishop Rood moved up to the front

"I would like to thank all of those of you who could come. I want you to pray for Brother Nelson, who is still suffering from the disease he picked up when we went cruising for prostitutes during our activity last month. This week we are going to have a kegger at Barnies Bar and then discuss the evils of alcoholism. I'll now turn the time over to Brother Wilcox who has the lesson today."

"Thank you Bishop Rood. I thought that it would be appropriate to discuss the evils of a life on the street as a Call Girl by watching Call Girl Bimbos 13, but first I would like Brother Mason to say a prayer."

Brother Mason got up and bowed his head to pray.

"Our beloved Father in Heaven we are thankful that we could all gather here today for Priesthood. Please bless that Brother Nelson will be able to get rid of that rash, and please bless that we will be edified and feel the spirit as we watch Call Girl Bimbos 13, and please bless that none of the sisters will walk in on us..."