Bishop Rood Get's A KOLOB Express Card

1
Bishop Rood sat in front of his television watching an old Benny Hill rerun and playing with his little hot wheels car he had bought on a whim while he was out shopping the other day at Wal-Mart.

"Vroom, Vrooom," he glanced at the screen seeing a scantily clad lady, "Varroooom! I'd sure like to give her a ride!" He said getting a little excited. He needed a release.

He went to the large freezer he kept in the 2nd bedroom and pulled out the remains of his long deceased 2nd wife, whom he claimed to the ward and stake presidency was still alive, but just sick, in order to keep his position as Bishop of the Flatliner 10th Ward.

Of course the Stake Presidency and members of the bishopric had come by to help him give blessings..to a blow up doll of Jenna Jameson he had bought a couple of years ago. He was actually surprised that none of the men seemed to realize that they were giving a priesthood blessing to a blowup doll, but then these leaders were nitwits. That's why Bishop Rood had chosen the particular counselors he had. They were a couple of cards short of a deck, a quarter low on gas, a teaspoon down on Quick, etc.

As he was searching through the freezer to find a body part, he heard his mail come through the slit in the front door. He closed the freezer and went to the door, hoping that he may have received the set of Lorenzo Snow's dentures he had bought off of ebay. They had cost him a fortune too. 300 bucks. He really didn't know what he would do with them. He was thinking of attaching a motor to them and making them like those plastic clicking teeth thingies he had seen at novelty stores.

It wasn't there. He did however have his water bill, his gas bill, his cable bill and some credit card applications. He was starting to rip these when he noticed that one was glowing the light of heaven.

KOLOB Express Card, No Credit Limit, No Annual Fees, 2% minimum payments, eternal grace period.

"Hmmm, this looks interesting." He opened it up and started reading over the application.

"Wow! an unlimited credit limit!"

He started filling in the information. He put down his annual income as 13000 dollars. He figured there was no need to lie on the thing, they would probably run his credit anyways. He then put it into the return mail.

He could see that Gilligans Island was now playing on the screen. He could never decide which he would rather eat for dinner, Mary Ann or Ginger. He thought they both looked pretty tasty. He had developed a liking for necrophilia on one of the 3 ocassions that he had died and hadn't been able to get over it.

He had tried electroshock therapy at the Evergreen Center and had gotten addicted to electricity and ocassionally needed to stick a fork in a light socket to get a fix, but had toned that down a bit using relaxation techniques he had learned when he was dead another time.

He looked awful of course when he came back to life, but through proper diet and exercise, he was able to not look like one of the undead. He wasn't actually an undead, he just kept getting resurrected when he died because Eloheim and Jesus couldn't stand him, and Lucifer thought of him as a threat to his dominion and power. So where else you going to place someone you don't like, but on Earth. Rood was a child even his Eternal Father and Mother in Heaven couldn't love.

He heard some more mail drop through the door. It was glowing with a heavenly light. He picked it up. IT WAS HIS CARD! Wow! That was really fast. He pulled out the paperwork from the application on the section he kept and read 'Allow 6 to 8 minutes for processing'

He opened up the package and found the instructions.

'To be used like a Visa.' He looked at the card and saw a small logo that would change to look like the Visa, Mastercard, or Discover Card symbol depending on which way it was reflected in the light.

"Cool!" Rood said to himself. He looked to see what the credit limit was. It had the infinity symbol on it.
"It looks like it's time to Party!"

Bishop Rood grabbed his coat and headed out the door.

2
Bishop Rood drove about the town of Spittington Vermont in his old beatup Ford Pinto. The back half of the car was reattached with some skilled welding and duct tape. It was necessary, even though the car had been hit from the back blowing it to smithereens as per the recall back in the 70s, because Bishop Rood was too cheap to buy a newer model like a Gremlin.

Oh sure, perhaps he could have tried to sneak off some tithing money when his counselors weren't paying that much attention, but he made more money actually putting himself on welfare then he would be able to get from the tithing receipts anyways.

His little car puttered along and he saw the Golden Arches ahead. He was going to try a Big Mac for the first time! He had never been able to afford one before. Well actually that wasn't true, he could have, but he was too cheap and could never get someone to buy one for him. He used to go out on dates in college and take the woman out to dinner. When it came time to pay for the bill, he would feign shock that he had forgotten his wallet and start panicking. He would then 'pretend' to call home to ask someone to bring it to him, but for some reason or other, either a storm, or a conflicting interest at home, the wallet couldn't be brought to him until around midnight. Usually at this his date would get impatient and then offer to pay. Of course a couple of times regrettably he did end up washing dishes.

He drove up proudly in his Pinto to the drive up window.

"Yes, may I take your order?" The person on the other end of the squak box asked.

"Yes. I would like to buy a Big Mac." Bishop Rood said proudly.

"Would you like fries and a drink with that?" The voice asked.

He had never thought of doing a combo meal. Oh that sounded absolutely exciting.

"Yes, I would like fries and a drink." Rood said again proudly.

"What kind of drink?"

"Do you guys have Pierre Mon Blanc Chardonne?" Rood asked.

"Oh you are a hoot! No we have Sprite, Coke, Rootbeer, and Orange."

"You sell the cursed drink of Satan! Coca Cola is of the devil!" Rood started screaming in hysterics about how evil it was.

"Whoah! Sorry Mister. You want a Sprite then?"

"No, make it a Coke." Rood said sheepishly like he was trying to secretly buy porno magazines without getting caught.

He went up and payed for his purchase. The fries where really good, but the burger was really greasy and looked nothing like the picture on the side of the store. He really enjoyed this shopping thing!

Next he went over to the mall and bought some new sneakers. The card worked great!

By the end of the day he had bought a fishing cap, a Atlanta Braves Cap, A New York Yankees Cap, and a Cleveland Indians Gown. He had also bought several books he never planned to read, but was going to set them out on his desk so that when people dropped by he would look 'smart'

The next day he payed off his rent. Then he thought. "I think I will go and buy myself a new car."

But what car would most exert his supreme authority as the Bishop of his ward. And then the obvious choice hit him. The Lincoln Town Car, certa 1997 would do perfect!

He only got 100 dollars on his trade in, which he thought was kind of cheap. It should have brought in at least 200 dollars.

He then got into his brand new 'to him' Lincoln Town Car, thinking what he would like to buy next. So far he had definitely gone over the 200 dollar max that some cards have. He was able to buy the car outright and pay it off. Though he did haggle for a few minutes to get a better deal.

Maybe he should buy a company or something.

When he got home he turned on his computer and went to the internet.

"Hmmm. Which company should I buy?" Rood surfed around for a few minutes.

"I think I'm going to test the credit limit on this card." Rood smiled, and then picked up the phone.

"This is information, how can I help you?" A voice on the other end of the line said.

"Yes, can you get me the direct phone number for the Pope in Rome?, Wait a minute! Why are you laughing. Stupid woman thought I was crank calling. Hmmm. The phone company is US West. I think I'll try and buy them and then fire here sorry ass."

Bishop Rood got a really big evil grin on his face and starting cackling like a mad scientist out to take over the world

3
Bishop Rood was unstoppable. Nothing could hold back his spending. Since getting the card he had bought in now particular order, US West, The Jehovah Witnesses Church, Victorias Secret, The New York Stock Exchange, The Brooklyn Bridge, Canada, and Swaziland in Africa.

However, his purchasing power had some unforeseen consequences for the world. He had introduced to the world economy approximately 500 Billion dollars worth of cash that had not even existed last week. This threw the US Economy, The European Union, and other economic powers into hyper-inflation, and boosting up the prices on consumer goods.

Bishop Rood walked around the local Wal-Mart, looking to get some cheeze wiz and crackers, and maybe buy off some kids from some parents.

"Wow! I can't believe the price on this!" He heard someone swearing. Bishop Rood turned around to see one of his ward members Sister Drisdale looking at a bag of potato chips.

"What's the problem? Sister Drisdale?" Bishop Rood asked.

"I don't know, but for some reason I can't fathom the price of potato chips has gone up from 2 dollars to 500 dollars! I CAN'T AFFORD TO FEED MY FAMILY!" She whaled.

"Now there there!" Bishop Rood said giving her a hug and trying to cope a feel without Sister Drisdale noticing.

It was curious though. Why had prices suddenly jumped up so high? Oh well, though it was interesting, it wasn't his concern really.

The next week he bought OnStar, and AOL, and Microsoft, and the Reformed Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Days Saints. Then he fired the prophet of that Church and put himself at the head and moved his headquarters to Rome and started building his own Roodican City. Which introduced another 500 Billion dollars or so to the world, causing even more inflation.

Then the world governments began to print more money to try and meet the spending demands of the hyper-inflation, which caused even more inflation. Still Rood was unconcerned.

First small businesses started collapsing, and then major corporations also started failing, because they could not meet expenses. Then it got really bad as the worlds economy collapsed and an all out war broke out in Asia between China and Russia for recources.

Rood watched on his big screen tv in Bill Gates mansion. Gates was a pretty good butler all things considered. It was the only way he could afford to stay at his home, what with all the expenses and everything because of the inflation.

"Wow! That is some sort of big war they got going on there." Rood said.

"Yes indeed Sir. Gates said while bending down to start the daily clippings of Bishop Roods toenails.

In walked his other butler Donald Trump carrying in his mail.

He looked through it. There were some credit card applications with a fixed rate of 60%, some catalogue mailers, and his first credit card bill for his KOLOB Express Card.

He opened it up and started gasping.

"Oh my Gawd!" Rood swore. Gates looked up.

"Is there a problem sir?" He asked, relieved for a respite from doing the clippings.

"How could I have spent 14 TRILLION Dollars!?" Rood said angrily. He looked down further to read

Minimum Payment Due: 28 Billion Dollars

"Hey Bill?" Rood asked.
"Yes?"
"Could you spot me a few Billion? I promise to pay it back."
"Certainly not!" Bill got up and walked out.

Bishop Rood called the number listed on the form for the payment department.

"KOLOB Express Payment Processing Department, how can I help you?" A pleasant female voice said on the other end.

"Um. Yes, now if I understand right, I have an unlimited grace period to pay my bills?" Rood asked.

"Yes, that is correct as long as you remember to pay the minimum payment each month." the Agent answered.

"Ah, can I pay my credit card with my credit card." Rood asked.

"I am afraid that's not possible." The agent said.

"Dammit!" Rood swore, "um I owe a minimum of 28 Billion dollars. What am I supposed to pay that off with?"

"Do you have any other credit cards or other collateral?"

"No?" Rood said quietly

"It says here that you just bought the country of the Yemen Republic. You could use that as collateral against the bill."

"But I like the Yemen Republic. They have some nice golf courses there." Rood protested.

"Well you have to use something for collateral against a payment or we will be forced to seize all of your property." The agent said.

"Well, I guess it's Yemen then." Rood said defeated.

It was quite a shock of horror to all the people in Yemen when an exact outline of the polital boundaries of the country started ripping from the Earth and then moving rapidly though space to a far away place where the KOLOB Expresses headquarters were located. Over 30 million people died that day , either from the quakes as the whole country was moved, or by a lack of oxygen as they went further out into space leaving the atmosphere.

But Bishop Rood could sleep soundly tonight knowing he had kept his creditors off his back for another month.