I'll be homeless for Christmas
Because of B. Hussein
I'll eat snow and gnaw my toes
And munch the bark of trees
Christmas eve will find me
Underneath the overpass
I'll be homeless for Christmas
Only eating in my dreams
I'll be homeless this Christmas,
Hope you're not homeless too.
And there's no money in the world
Was this Barack's idea of Change?
I'll be homeless for Christmas
Sneaking your horse feed.
I'll eat snow
And gnaw my toes
And munch the bark of trees.
Christmas eve will find me
Underneath the overpass
I'll be homeless for Christmas
Only eating in my dreams
I'll be homeless for Christmas
Only eating in my dreams
Friday, December 11, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Adult Themed Haunted House
I was born on October 29, 1972. With my birthday being so close to Halloween, one of the OBVIOUS activities for a few years was to go to one of the many Haunted Houses in the Salt Lake Valley. March of Dimes, Institute of Terror, The Maze, they were all reliable standbys that I could go to every birthday to have people dressed up in different types of makeup trying to scare the bejeebes out of me.
HA! Ghosts, Goblins, Evil Sorcerers are NOTHING. I was thinking it might be more creative and scary to have a REAL place of TERROR for adults. By Adult themed, I don't mean sexually themed either.
Room 1. The Room of Inadequacies : This room would be filled with people who are much better than you at whatever. For those who feel they are not quite on par physically, you would be forced to compare yourself to supermodels for the females, and the guys would be forced to compare themselves to guys like Fabio. You would have it pointed out to you how much weight you have put on since High School, and how much hair you've lost. For those who feel they don't measure up mentally, they would be forced to try and play Jeopardy with Marilyn Vos Savant.
Room 2. The Room Of Keeping Up with the Jones : You would be forced to live next door to someone who has a house twice as big as yours, a newer car than yours, a better looking AND more LOVING spouse than yours. Kids that behave and get better grades than yours, and WOULD ALSO be YOUR BOSS. To make it more fun, at the end of the event, you would receive a pink slip, and your house would be foreclosed on.
Room 3. The Bad Divorce Room : In this room, you would simulate getting divorced, losing custody of all your kids, and your spouse getting everything. At the end you will be given the opportunity to simulate begging for money at a freeway off ramp.
Room 4. The Job Search Room: You get to search for a job when there are no jobs in the field you are trained in. You have to make the skills you have look like they might fit into the job applied for. Then when you do get a job it's at minimum wage...though you have an advanced degree, these were the only people who would hire you. "Welcome to McDonald's" "Would you like fries with that?"
Now we start getting into the REAL terrors of the Adult Themed Haunted House.
Room 5: The Sexually Dysfunctional Room: Stimulates the horror of not being 'up to the job'
Room 6: The You Have A Terminal Illness Room
Room 7: The I've Lost my Kid in The Mall Room
Room 8: The Disobedient Teenager Room: Simulates the experience of having a teenager acting just like you did when you were their age.
Hey! Wait a minute. Some of these things have happened to me and I wasn't in an Adult Themed Haunted House. Wait, what if I am in one right now and I just don't know it?
HELP!!!
HA! Ghosts, Goblins, Evil Sorcerers are NOTHING. I was thinking it might be more creative and scary to have a REAL place of TERROR for adults. By Adult themed, I don't mean sexually themed either.
Room 1. The Room of Inadequacies : This room would be filled with people who are much better than you at whatever. For those who feel they are not quite on par physically, you would be forced to compare yourself to supermodels for the females, and the guys would be forced to compare themselves to guys like Fabio. You would have it pointed out to you how much weight you have put on since High School, and how much hair you've lost. For those who feel they don't measure up mentally, they would be forced to try and play Jeopardy with Marilyn Vos Savant.
Room 2. The Room Of Keeping Up with the Jones : You would be forced to live next door to someone who has a house twice as big as yours, a newer car than yours, a better looking AND more LOVING spouse than yours. Kids that behave and get better grades than yours, and WOULD ALSO be YOUR BOSS. To make it more fun, at the end of the event, you would receive a pink slip, and your house would be foreclosed on.
Room 3. The Bad Divorce Room : In this room, you would simulate getting divorced, losing custody of all your kids, and your spouse getting everything. At the end you will be given the opportunity to simulate begging for money at a freeway off ramp.
Room 4. The Job Search Room: You get to search for a job when there are no jobs in the field you are trained in. You have to make the skills you have look like they might fit into the job applied for. Then when you do get a job it's at minimum wage...though you have an advanced degree, these were the only people who would hire you. "Welcome to McDonald's" "Would you like fries with that?"
Now we start getting into the REAL terrors of the Adult Themed Haunted House.
Room 5: The Sexually Dysfunctional Room: Stimulates the horror of not being 'up to the job'
Room 6: The You Have A Terminal Illness Room
Room 7: The I've Lost my Kid in The Mall Room
Room 8: The Disobedient Teenager Room: Simulates the experience of having a teenager acting just like you did when you were their age.
Hey! Wait a minute. Some of these things have happened to me and I wasn't in an Adult Themed Haunted House. Wait, what if I am in one right now and I just don't know it?
HELP!!!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Dangers of a Really Bored God
The Great I AM, the Lord Omnipotent over all the Universe, the most High and Mighty one...you get the general gist here...Elohim was BORED. He had been a God going on a Gajillion years now and was feeling...TIRED. Even the Celestial Sex was starting to get old. Creating worlds without end and having endless creations and knowing everything there was to know was getting stale. At first when he had been exalted, he had much enjoyed it. All the nuances with planet construction and star construction had been really fascinating.
Oh to be able to end it all. Then in his infinite wisdom he remembered that all he had to do to lose his divine Godship was to sin, because no unclean thing could dwell with God. Therefore if he could make himself unclean, why then maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't have to be responsible for the entire freaking universe all the time.
He had an idea. If this didn't get him kicked out, then he didn't know what would.
He motioned for his son Jehovah to come see him, and also Michael.
"See yonder is matter unorganized. We will build a world like the other worlds that we have heretofore created."
"It shall be done Elohim." Jehovah said, "Come Michael Let's us go down."
"We will go down Jehovah."
Jehovah and Michael went off. Now for the next part of his plan.
Later
"Okay, Michael, you will now be called Adam, and Serena here will be called Eve on this new planet called Earth. I am going to take away your memories of living here. Now there is this fruit there I don't want you to eat AT ALL. Oh by the way. Go have lot's of kids."
Off they went. "Ha they won't be able to have kids until they eat the fruit of that tree. They won't know what to do. I have never sent any of my kids down to a planet with so little information as that. The conflict..heh heh. Should get me knocked out of Godship for sure."
Nothing happened.
He then performed an operation on his son Michael with his bare hands and put Serena's spirit in it creating the first woman and called her Eve.
"If this unorthodox horror committed against one of my kids doesn't do it, then nothing will."
Nothing happened.
Then he arbitrarily ruined the Garden by making it so it would produce thorns and briars and wouldn't grow very well.
Nothing.
Then he tricked Lucifier into getting Cain to kill his brother. Nothing.
So he started unleashing disasters of all kinds.
"I am surprised I haven't lost my Godhood yet with all this sinning I've been doing. Maybe if instead of going down and talking to the people directly, I send vague visions to the kookiest guys in the group and command them to write down these vague confusing messages as my will. That should do it."
"Okay now I think I will just kill everyone off with water, and like only let 8 of them survive. Killing ALL of them off on the planet OUGHT to be sin enough to ruin me."
Later...nothing.
"I'll have one of these wackos attempt to sacrifice his son..." Elohim mused, "Nah, better not."
"Maybe sending my 'chosen' people into slavery will do it."
And yet he continued to be God.
"I know! I will have SEX with one of my daughters. I mean that is the most outrageous thing I can do."
Nope.
"There must be something I can do! I know. I will now kill the son I had with that woman, and then blame it all on my 'chosen people' (snicker) Then I will cause the rest of the world to hate and despise them."
"Well that didn't work either. Here I am still in my almighty glory (YAWN). Okay...hmmm. Oh this is too Good."
"Hey Jehovah. I think I am going to kill you off by having one of your disciples betray you." Elohim said to Jehovah/Jesus.
"Um oh."
"But before I do that, I want you to tell them that from now on they need to Eat and Drink your Body SYMBOLICALLY."
"SAY WHAT? Now that is just."
"I'm God, and I command it." Elohim threatened, "Oh and it's not going to be pleasant."
A bit later the voice of Jesus could be heard...
"Father! Father! Why hast thou forsaken ME!"
"I should cease to be God any moment now."
About 1830 years later.
"No one would go for a religion where the premise for salvation is polygamy. Sometime I am so original I almost think being a God is fun again." Eloheim mused.
"Hmmm. Hundreds of Religions honoring me, and they are all so confused. Maybe if I get em so mad at each other."
200 years later.
Elohim watched as nuclear missiles exploded all over the surface of the planet destroying all creatures and creations.
Yet he remained God.
"What do I have to do to get fired?" He was ALL knowing, but he couldn't figure that out. So there was one thing he didn't know, so he actually couldn't be God, so...
He evaporated in a puff of logic along with the rest of the universe.
Oh to be able to end it all. Then in his infinite wisdom he remembered that all he had to do to lose his divine Godship was to sin, because no unclean thing could dwell with God. Therefore if he could make himself unclean, why then maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't have to be responsible for the entire freaking universe all the time.
He had an idea. If this didn't get him kicked out, then he didn't know what would.
He motioned for his son Jehovah to come see him, and also Michael.
"See yonder is matter unorganized. We will build a world like the other worlds that we have heretofore created."
"It shall be done Elohim." Jehovah said, "Come Michael Let's us go down."
"We will go down Jehovah."
Jehovah and Michael went off. Now for the next part of his plan.
Later
"Okay, Michael, you will now be called Adam, and Serena here will be called Eve on this new planet called Earth. I am going to take away your memories of living here. Now there is this fruit there I don't want you to eat AT ALL. Oh by the way. Go have lot's of kids."
Off they went. "Ha they won't be able to have kids until they eat the fruit of that tree. They won't know what to do. I have never sent any of my kids down to a planet with so little information as that. The conflict..heh heh. Should get me knocked out of Godship for sure."
Nothing happened.
He then performed an operation on his son Michael with his bare hands and put Serena's spirit in it creating the first woman and called her Eve.
"If this unorthodox horror committed against one of my kids doesn't do it, then nothing will."
Nothing happened.
Then he arbitrarily ruined the Garden by making it so it would produce thorns and briars and wouldn't grow very well.
Nothing.
Then he tricked Lucifier into getting Cain to kill his brother. Nothing.
So he started unleashing disasters of all kinds.
"I am surprised I haven't lost my Godhood yet with all this sinning I've been doing. Maybe if instead of going down and talking to the people directly, I send vague visions to the kookiest guys in the group and command them to write down these vague confusing messages as my will. That should do it."
"Okay now I think I will just kill everyone off with water, and like only let 8 of them survive. Killing ALL of them off on the planet OUGHT to be sin enough to ruin me."
Later...nothing.
"I'll have one of these wackos attempt to sacrifice his son..." Elohim mused, "Nah, better not."
"Maybe sending my 'chosen' people into slavery will do it."
And yet he continued to be God.
"I know! I will have SEX with one of my daughters. I mean that is the most outrageous thing I can do."
Nope.
"There must be something I can do! I know. I will now kill the son I had with that woman, and then blame it all on my 'chosen people' (snicker) Then I will cause the rest of the world to hate and despise them."
"Well that didn't work either. Here I am still in my almighty glory (YAWN). Okay...hmmm. Oh this is too Good."
"Hey Jehovah. I think I am going to kill you off by having one of your disciples betray you." Elohim said to Jehovah/Jesus.
"Um oh."
"But before I do that, I want you to tell them that from now on they need to Eat and Drink your Body SYMBOLICALLY."
"SAY WHAT? Now that is just."
"I'm God, and I command it." Elohim threatened, "Oh and it's not going to be pleasant."
A bit later the voice of Jesus could be heard...
"Father! Father! Why hast thou forsaken ME!"
"I should cease to be God any moment now."
About 1830 years later.
"No one would go for a religion where the premise for salvation is polygamy. Sometime I am so original I almost think being a God is fun again." Eloheim mused.
"Hmmm. Hundreds of Religions honoring me, and they are all so confused. Maybe if I get em so mad at each other."
200 years later.
Elohim watched as nuclear missiles exploded all over the surface of the planet destroying all creatures and creations.
Yet he remained God.
"What do I have to do to get fired?" He was ALL knowing, but he couldn't figure that out. So there was one thing he didn't know, so he actually couldn't be God, so...
He evaporated in a puff of logic along with the rest of the universe.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Bishop Rood Get's a Job with ONSTAR
Bishop Isaac Milton Rood needed money. The tithing receipts were down because despite his threats and cajoling, members kept moving to other wards, or left the church. (Well actually Bishop Rood thought that NO ONE ever had a legitimate reason for LEAVING the church, so whoever left he made sure that he planted evidence pointing to the idea that they had murdered someone...then once the former member was put in jail for MURDER, well then if their name were removed, he was satisfied)
He started scanning the Want Ads. He did think being a male model might be fun, but after a few interviews, and being laughed right out of the appointment, he decided that he had better try to find some other work.
He saw an ad for an ONSTAR Service rep and decided to go in and apply.
The interview went surprisingly well. His honed skills from years of lying to members in his stake had paid off. Hewas sure he would get a call back.
EXCITING NEWS THE NEXT DAY! He was offered a JOB!
He went through all the dry training, and the procedures, and everything. Had passed the screening tests and was now ready to begin.
"This should be lots of fun, and I should be able to influence people at work to bring them to the true church." Bishop Rood thought.
He sat down at his cubicle and put the headphones on, logged into his computer which would bring up the GPS maps which would locate where the ONSTAR subscriber had the accident, and allow him to immediately send out the ambulance, the police, the SWAT team, whatever. The power to save lives was in his hands.
He got into the network and waited for his first call to come in.
Beep
"ONSTAR, this is Isaac, what is your situation?"
"Yeah..uhh. I've just been in an accident." a guys voice on the other end said. He could see immediately that there was on airbag deployment in Greensboro, NC. His system was pulling up available police and ambulance and 911 services he could dispatch.
"I can send out help to you, but first your going to have to tell me who was at fault." Bishop Rood said.
"Oh my legs, I think I broke my legs. OH GOD!!!." the voice said.
"Fine, but who was at fault?"
"The other guy just pulled right out in front of me, please send some help awwww."
"Shortly. First though, I am going to need to assess what part in this crash YOU were responsible for."
"WHAT? OOOHHHH. I think I'm blacking out...the blood."
"Yes, what part are you responsible for?" Rood asked again.
"HELP PLEASE. I think the guy in the other car is dead...OH GOD. HELP. He just pulled out in front of me man. PLEASE."
"So it wasn't your fault. Were there any unrepented for sins that you had for which GOD may have been punishing you for?" Bishop Rood asked matter of factly.
"Why are you asking me all this? Just send some GOD DAMN HELP!!!"
"Your swearing is not appropriate and is a sin for which you should immediately repent for before you die."
"I think I've lost too much blood. I'm blacking out. OH PLLEEEASSSE."
"Okay, I am going to need your full name and date of birth and your address, and possibly social security number."
"Aren't you going to send any help!" the voice pleaded.
"No. I think you are a lost cause, but if you will give me your information, I can submit the work to an LDS temple for it to be done. Just remember to accept the gospel when you reach the other side. Now your name please?"
"But I AM LDS YOU MORON!!!"
"Have you been faithful and attended the temple like you should and stuff."
"Yes. Now will you send the paramedics!" (sirens could now be heard in the background)
"Oh, your temple worthy? Then what the hell are you complaining about?" Bishop Rood asked.
He started scanning the Want Ads. He did think being a male model might be fun, but after a few interviews, and being laughed right out of the appointment, he decided that he had better try to find some other work.
He saw an ad for an ONSTAR Service rep and decided to go in and apply.
The interview went surprisingly well. His honed skills from years of lying to members in his stake had paid off. Hewas sure he would get a call back.
EXCITING NEWS THE NEXT DAY! He was offered a JOB!
He went through all the dry training, and the procedures, and everything. Had passed the screening tests and was now ready to begin.
"This should be lots of fun, and I should be able to influence people at work to bring them to the true church." Bishop Rood thought.
He sat down at his cubicle and put the headphones on, logged into his computer which would bring up the GPS maps which would locate where the ONSTAR subscriber had the accident, and allow him to immediately send out the ambulance, the police, the SWAT team, whatever. The power to save lives was in his hands.
He got into the network and waited for his first call to come in.
Beep
"ONSTAR, this is Isaac, what is your situation?"
"Yeah..uhh. I've just been in an accident." a guys voice on the other end said. He could see immediately that there was on airbag deployment in Greensboro, NC. His system was pulling up available police and ambulance and 911 services he could dispatch.
"I can send out help to you, but first your going to have to tell me who was at fault." Bishop Rood said.
"Oh my legs, I think I broke my legs. OH GOD!!!." the voice said.
"Fine, but who was at fault?"
"The other guy just pulled right out in front of me, please send some help awwww."
"Shortly. First though, I am going to need to assess what part in this crash YOU were responsible for."
"WHAT? OOOHHHH. I think I'm blacking out...the blood."
"Yes, what part are you responsible for?" Rood asked again.
"HELP PLEASE. I think the guy in the other car is dead...OH GOD. HELP. He just pulled out in front of me man. PLEASE."
"So it wasn't your fault. Were there any unrepented for sins that you had for which GOD may have been punishing you for?" Bishop Rood asked matter of factly.
"Why are you asking me all this? Just send some GOD DAMN HELP!!!"
"Your swearing is not appropriate and is a sin for which you should immediately repent for before you die."
"I think I've lost too much blood. I'm blacking out. OH PLLEEEASSSE."
"Okay, I am going to need your full name and date of birth and your address, and possibly social security number."
"Aren't you going to send any help!" the voice pleaded.
"No. I think you are a lost cause, but if you will give me your information, I can submit the work to an LDS temple for it to be done. Just remember to accept the gospel when you reach the other side. Now your name please?"
"But I AM LDS YOU MORON!!!"
"Have you been faithful and attended the temple like you should and stuff."
"Yes. Now will you send the paramedics!" (sirens could now be heard in the background)
"Oh, your temple worthy? Then what the hell are you complaining about?" Bishop Rood asked.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Bishop Rood Get's Taken to Court
Bishop Isaac Milton Rood was happy and whistling a jonty tune. He had just finished his evening at the church making a poor deacon cry and put him on probation for masturbation, and then he had had illicit sex with one of the Relief Society Counselors. Life was going great.
He drove his 1985 Lincoln Town Car to his home, pulled in, and then checked the mail. A couple bills, and something from the Federal Court System. Probably another jury summons he would have to get out of he bet.
He went in and checked that his dead, but frozen wife was still looking pristine enough to appear to be just sleeping for visitors, and went and sat in his easy chair. He was just about to put in a video that he had made of his neighbors making love via special cameras he had put in their house when they were on vacation, and was thumbing through his bills.
He opened the letter from the courts and was in shock. He had been sued for harrasment by Brother Wilson, who had left the church.
"Brother Wilson has seriously been possessed by the devil and it will be he who pays!" An evil laugh left his throat. Time to watch the neighbors.
Being the guy he was, Bishop Rood figured he could talk himself through anything and would forego hiring a lawyer. The complaintant BROTHER Wilson (as far as Bishop Rood was concerned) was suing him for 1000 dollars to pay for the suffering that he had endured in trying to have his name removed from the Church. As far as Bishop Rood was concerned, Brother Wilson could NEVER leave the church, despite how often the Church itself had told him to stop lovebombing the poor bastard.
He walked in and saw that BROTHER Wilson was sitting in the plaintiff section. He immediately walked over and extended his hand.
"Ah, Brother Wilson, it's so good to see you again. So when are you going to repent like you know you should and start coming back to church?" Bishop Rood asked smiling.
"GO TO HELL!!!" Wilson said.
"I thought you said you didn't believe in God in your letter? Ah you know the Church is true. You have just forgotten what you knew. Why don't you come back and bask in the joy you once knew?" Bishop Rood responded
"Now presiding, the Honorable Joseph B. Stevens." the bailiff said
Rood walked back over to his chair and sat down.
The gavel swung.
"Now in the case of Wilson vs. Rood. If we could have your opening statements.
The lawyer for BROTHER Wilson came forward.
"Yes, Judge Stevens..."
"I OBJECT!!!!" Bishop Rood screamed outloud.
"But he hasn't said anything, so WHAT are you objecting to?" Judge Steven's asked.
"Look JUDGE. You may have civil authority in this court, but I am a common JUDGE in Israel given MY authority by God, which TRUMPS yours! Therefore I SAY that BROTHER WILSON has to endure the harrasment that I have given him and become as a little child, meek, mild, and submissive. He must be willing to do all things that I ask him to do under my authority given to me by God."
The judge would have said something, but just that there with his mouth agape that someone could be like this. However, he could truly sympathize with Bishop Rood.
"Are you LDS Judge Stevens?" Bishop Rood asked.
"Yes, but what does this have to do..." Judge Stevens said.
"Then you realize if you are a TRUE member that my authority over BROTHER Wilson is absolute as long as he lives in the boundaries of MY ward."
"You know, I didn't think of that, but yeah, I guess you're right Bishop Rood. BROTHER Wilson, have you considered moving out of the ward boundaries?"
"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!" Wilson said.
"If I hear another outburst like that BROTHER Wilson, I will put you into contempt of court. As a member of the LDS Church, I realize that a Bishop is responsible for all people in his area, whether or not they are members. So, even if you have left, which is a local matter, Bishop Rood is still your judge, and I realize he trumps civil authority because I know that the Church is true, and it will be members like me that are working to be put in key positions that will make it possible to run the government when the constitution hangs by a thread."
"OH %&%$%! Are you a F'ckin MORON BISHOP TOO!!???"
"Actually, I'm the Bishop in the Golgamex 3rd Ward."
He drove his 1985 Lincoln Town Car to his home, pulled in, and then checked the mail. A couple bills, and something from the Federal Court System. Probably another jury summons he would have to get out of he bet.
He went in and checked that his dead, but frozen wife was still looking pristine enough to appear to be just sleeping for visitors, and went and sat in his easy chair. He was just about to put in a video that he had made of his neighbors making love via special cameras he had put in their house when they were on vacation, and was thumbing through his bills.
He opened the letter from the courts and was in shock. He had been sued for harrasment by Brother Wilson, who had left the church.
"Brother Wilson has seriously been possessed by the devil and it will be he who pays!" An evil laugh left his throat. Time to watch the neighbors.
Being the guy he was, Bishop Rood figured he could talk himself through anything and would forego hiring a lawyer. The complaintant BROTHER Wilson (as far as Bishop Rood was concerned) was suing him for 1000 dollars to pay for the suffering that he had endured in trying to have his name removed from the Church. As far as Bishop Rood was concerned, Brother Wilson could NEVER leave the church, despite how often the Church itself had told him to stop lovebombing the poor bastard.
He walked in and saw that BROTHER Wilson was sitting in the plaintiff section. He immediately walked over and extended his hand.
"Ah, Brother Wilson, it's so good to see you again. So when are you going to repent like you know you should and start coming back to church?" Bishop Rood asked smiling.
"GO TO HELL!!!" Wilson said.
"I thought you said you didn't believe in God in your letter? Ah you know the Church is true. You have just forgotten what you knew. Why don't you come back and bask in the joy you once knew?" Bishop Rood responded
"Now presiding, the Honorable Joseph B. Stevens." the bailiff said
Rood walked back over to his chair and sat down.
The gavel swung.
"Now in the case of Wilson vs. Rood. If we could have your opening statements.
The lawyer for BROTHER Wilson came forward.
"Yes, Judge Stevens..."
"I OBJECT!!!!" Bishop Rood screamed outloud.
"But he hasn't said anything, so WHAT are you objecting to?" Judge Steven's asked.
"Look JUDGE. You may have civil authority in this court, but I am a common JUDGE in Israel given MY authority by God, which TRUMPS yours! Therefore I SAY that BROTHER WILSON has to endure the harrasment that I have given him and become as a little child, meek, mild, and submissive. He must be willing to do all things that I ask him to do under my authority given to me by God."
The judge would have said something, but just that there with his mouth agape that someone could be like this. However, he could truly sympathize with Bishop Rood.
"Are you LDS Judge Stevens?" Bishop Rood asked.
"Yes, but what does this have to do..." Judge Stevens said.
"Then you realize if you are a TRUE member that my authority over BROTHER Wilson is absolute as long as he lives in the boundaries of MY ward."
"You know, I didn't think of that, but yeah, I guess you're right Bishop Rood. BROTHER Wilson, have you considered moving out of the ward boundaries?"
"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!" Wilson said.
"If I hear another outburst like that BROTHER Wilson, I will put you into contempt of court. As a member of the LDS Church, I realize that a Bishop is responsible for all people in his area, whether or not they are members. So, even if you have left, which is a local matter, Bishop Rood is still your judge, and I realize he trumps civil authority because I know that the Church is true, and it will be members like me that are working to be put in key positions that will make it possible to run the government when the constitution hangs by a thread."
"OH %&%$%! Are you a F'ckin MORON BISHOP TOO!!???"
"Actually, I'm the Bishop in the Golgamex 3rd Ward."
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Bishop Rood Conducts A Funeral
Bishop Rood Conducts A Funeral
“It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I stand before all of you today to...” Bishop Rood checked his notes, “mourn the passing of Brother Winston Feeler..Fillo...Fullerbottom? Is that right?”
He glanced down at the widow who nodded her head in pain. She really wasn't much to look at, but she must have been quite the MILF in her younger days. To bad, Bishop Rood thought silently to himself.
“Yes, Mr. Winston Fullerbottom, who lasted graced the Middlefinger 2nd Ward about 20 years ago, before going inactive and was too lazy to send in a letter to cancel his membership. And now I have been asked, I suppose because it is free to use the building, and cuts down on costs, to waste my Saturday trying to eulogize someone who never paid a dime of tithing.”
Bishop Rood heard his 2nd counselor clear his throat.
“Ah yes. Brother Fullerbottom. I hardly knew thee.” Bishop Rood sad trying to pull up as much sadness as he could muster. “The program will go as follows. First we will have a musical number sung by Brother Fullerbottoms grandchildren, followed by a talk by Brother Michael J. Hubberton, his hometeacher for the last 20 years.
The song was okay, but Bishop Rood as he sat there was finding it hard to stay awake and his counselor nudged him as his snoring started to escape his mouth.
Then Brother Hubberton got up.
“For the last 20 years, I have tried to be the vigilant hometeacher to Brother Fullerbottom. I remember the first time that I went by and he told me not to come around again, that it was just a test of the Lord. Then the next time, he sicked his dogs on me. I still have the scar in my right leg from when the Dobberman bit down on me. It took me years to heal, and I still have a limp. But with the grace of God and through much prayer, I knew that I would be able to get Brother Fullerbottom back to church, and here he is now, in church before us all. This is a testimony to me that intense prayer does work miracles. Even though the experiences that I had with Brother Fullerbottom were mostly negative, and my time in jail that I spent for trespassing cannot be returned to me, I know that in the end I was able to accomplish my mission by getting him here where he belonged one last time. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”
“Thank you brother Hubberton. We will now have a solo by Sister Flem singing “Til We Meet Again, followed by a few words by Melissa Fullerbottom Montgomery, his daughter.”
The solo was so-so, but Sister Flem didn't look to bad from behind, though from the front her face was something to scream about. She was a good singer, amateurish, but okay.
Then Sister Montgomery got up.
“What can I say about dad? He was a great man. He used to take us out to the lake and we would go swimming, and sometimes we would go fishing. He used to love bringing us kids home little gifts and I can remember specifically one time when he came home and we decided to play a game of football...”
“Ahem...” Bishop Rood cleared his throat.
“Then there was the time that James my brother accidentally broke his leg and dad had to rush him to the hospital. He was so frantic. Dad, you were always there for us. You were a...”
“AHEM!!!” Bishop Rood said even louder.
“What?” Sister Montgomery turned around.
“I told you specifically to talk about how we should teach the gospel to our non-member and inactive friends! What is ALL THIS STUFF ABOUT YOUR FATHER YOU KEEP GOING ON ABOUT!!!”
“WHAT!? But this is HIS funeral!!!” Mrs. Montgomery protested.
“LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. Most of the people here are inactive, and may only come once a year. When else am I going to have an opportunity to guilt them into coming to church and repenting if you keep talking about the corpse in front of us?”
“WHY YOU EVIL MAN!!!” Mrs. Montgomery screamed.
“Look you are saving tons of money by having the funeral and viewing here in OUR chapel. YOU OWE US!!! You either talk on the subject I gave you, or you can leave!!!!” Bishop Rood huffed.
“FINE!!!” Mrs. Montgomery said, “Repent and worship God or go to HELL!!!”
“That's better.” Bishop Rood said sitting back down.
“Now getting back to my Father, let me tell you about the time he accidentally got photos of Bishop Rood here doing it with the neighbor...”
“Cut the mike! Cut the %$$#& MIKE!!!” Bishop Rood waived his hands frantically motioning to his counselor to turn it off.
“It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I stand before all of you today to...” Bishop Rood checked his notes, “mourn the passing of Brother Winston Feeler..Fillo...Fullerbottom? Is that right?”
He glanced down at the widow who nodded her head in pain. She really wasn't much to look at, but she must have been quite the MILF in her younger days. To bad, Bishop Rood thought silently to himself.
“Yes, Mr. Winston Fullerbottom, who lasted graced the Middlefinger 2nd Ward about 20 years ago, before going inactive and was too lazy to send in a letter to cancel his membership. And now I have been asked, I suppose because it is free to use the building, and cuts down on costs, to waste my Saturday trying to eulogize someone who never paid a dime of tithing.”
Bishop Rood heard his 2nd counselor clear his throat.
“Ah yes. Brother Fullerbottom. I hardly knew thee.” Bishop Rood sad trying to pull up as much sadness as he could muster. “The program will go as follows. First we will have a musical number sung by Brother Fullerbottoms grandchildren, followed by a talk by Brother Michael J. Hubberton, his hometeacher for the last 20 years.
The song was okay, but Bishop Rood as he sat there was finding it hard to stay awake and his counselor nudged him as his snoring started to escape his mouth.
Then Brother Hubberton got up.
“For the last 20 years, I have tried to be the vigilant hometeacher to Brother Fullerbottom. I remember the first time that I went by and he told me not to come around again, that it was just a test of the Lord. Then the next time, he sicked his dogs on me. I still have the scar in my right leg from when the Dobberman bit down on me. It took me years to heal, and I still have a limp. But with the grace of God and through much prayer, I knew that I would be able to get Brother Fullerbottom back to church, and here he is now, in church before us all. This is a testimony to me that intense prayer does work miracles. Even though the experiences that I had with Brother Fullerbottom were mostly negative, and my time in jail that I spent for trespassing cannot be returned to me, I know that in the end I was able to accomplish my mission by getting him here where he belonged one last time. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”
“Thank you brother Hubberton. We will now have a solo by Sister Flem singing “Til We Meet Again, followed by a few words by Melissa Fullerbottom Montgomery, his daughter.”
The solo was so-so, but Sister Flem didn't look to bad from behind, though from the front her face was something to scream about. She was a good singer, amateurish, but okay.
Then Sister Montgomery got up.
“What can I say about dad? He was a great man. He used to take us out to the lake and we would go swimming, and sometimes we would go fishing. He used to love bringing us kids home little gifts and I can remember specifically one time when he came home and we decided to play a game of football...”
“Ahem...” Bishop Rood cleared his throat.
“Then there was the time that James my brother accidentally broke his leg and dad had to rush him to the hospital. He was so frantic. Dad, you were always there for us. You were a...”
“AHEM!!!” Bishop Rood said even louder.
“What?” Sister Montgomery turned around.
“I told you specifically to talk about how we should teach the gospel to our non-member and inactive friends! What is ALL THIS STUFF ABOUT YOUR FATHER YOU KEEP GOING ON ABOUT!!!”
“WHAT!? But this is HIS funeral!!!” Mrs. Montgomery protested.
“LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. Most of the people here are inactive, and may only come once a year. When else am I going to have an opportunity to guilt them into coming to church and repenting if you keep talking about the corpse in front of us?”
“WHY YOU EVIL MAN!!!” Mrs. Montgomery screamed.
“Look you are saving tons of money by having the funeral and viewing here in OUR chapel. YOU OWE US!!! You either talk on the subject I gave you, or you can leave!!!!” Bishop Rood huffed.
“FINE!!!” Mrs. Montgomery said, “Repent and worship God or go to HELL!!!”
“That's better.” Bishop Rood said sitting back down.
“Now getting back to my Father, let me tell you about the time he accidentally got photos of Bishop Rood here doing it with the neighbor...”
“Cut the mike! Cut the %$$#& MIKE!!!” Bishop Rood waived his hands frantically motioning to his counselor to turn it off.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Bishop Rood and the Church Wedding
"Now I understand that you two would like to use the Cultural Hall for your reception in order to defray the costs of using one of those expensive marriage centers." Bishop Rood asked the young couple in front of him.
"Yes. It would be great and we could make it so lovely." said the young bride to be. Bishop Rood had been unable to get a naked picture of her at Girls Camp a couple of years ago and so automatically didn't like her. he didn't like the Groom that much either because, well he was going to get to have sex with this girl and Bishop Rood wouldn't. Life just wasn't fair.
"Well, I'm afraid that because your wedding will not be in the Temple, I can't allow you to use the Cultural Hall." Bishop Rood said.
"But YOUR SON got married outside of the Temple and you let him use the cultural hall!" the Groom protested.
"The Church isn't about how righteous you are, it's about who you know and who are related too. Duh!" Bishop Rood said while a small bit of flem flew out hitting the Groom on the glasses. "I will NOT allow you guys to be an example to the rest of the congregation that it is OKAY to not get married in the temple and STILL expect to be able to use the Church facilities for a reception."
"But my dad is the Stake President!" protested the Bride, "He will override you so that we can use the cultural hall."
"I doubt that. He's already very embarrassed that you two aren't getting married in the temple."
"What are we going to do?" the Bride started tearing up.
"If you will both confess your sins that are preventing you from going through the temple, then I will see what sort of arrangements I can do." Bishop Rood conceded.
The groom waited outside while his Bride was being privately interviewed. Bishop Rood must have really been putting her through the coals to make her repent, what with her occasional screaming and moaning. Then he heard Bishop Rood screaming too.
"YES!!!!" He heard Rood scream out. "Your sins have been taken care of!!!"
After a few minutes the door opened and the Bride came out looking sweaty and unkempt, with a bit of a smile.
"Isn't getting those burdens of sin off of you great!?" Bishop Rood asked, "Now I will speak with you Brother Grimace."
The Groom, Brother Grimace, followed Bishop Rood into the room and sat down.
"Now let me ask you straight, Brother Grimace...Do you masturbate?"
EPILOGUE
Bishop Rood called back the young couple a couple of days later.
"Hello, Brother Grimace, this is Bishop Rood."
"Yes."
"About you wanting to use the Cultural Hall for the reception. Well, it's still a no go." Bishop Rood said apologetically.
"What! Why not? I even performed oral.." Brother Grimace started protesting.
"Yes. Yes. I tried my best, however, your father in law, the Stake President and I have decided that the best course of action would be to hold your reception at the cannery..."
"Yes. It would be great and we could make it so lovely." said the young bride to be. Bishop Rood had been unable to get a naked picture of her at Girls Camp a couple of years ago and so automatically didn't like her. he didn't like the Groom that much either because, well he was going to get to have sex with this girl and Bishop Rood wouldn't. Life just wasn't fair.
"Well, I'm afraid that because your wedding will not be in the Temple, I can't allow you to use the Cultural Hall." Bishop Rood said.
"But YOUR SON got married outside of the Temple and you let him use the cultural hall!" the Groom protested.
"The Church isn't about how righteous you are, it's about who you know and who are related too. Duh!" Bishop Rood said while a small bit of flem flew out hitting the Groom on the glasses. "I will NOT allow you guys to be an example to the rest of the congregation that it is OKAY to not get married in the temple and STILL expect to be able to use the Church facilities for a reception."
"But my dad is the Stake President!" protested the Bride, "He will override you so that we can use the cultural hall."
"I doubt that. He's already very embarrassed that you two aren't getting married in the temple."
"What are we going to do?" the Bride started tearing up.
"If you will both confess your sins that are preventing you from going through the temple, then I will see what sort of arrangements I can do." Bishop Rood conceded.
The groom waited outside while his Bride was being privately interviewed. Bishop Rood must have really been putting her through the coals to make her repent, what with her occasional screaming and moaning. Then he heard Bishop Rood screaming too.
"YES!!!!" He heard Rood scream out. "Your sins have been taken care of!!!"
After a few minutes the door opened and the Bride came out looking sweaty and unkempt, with a bit of a smile.
"Isn't getting those burdens of sin off of you great!?" Bishop Rood asked, "Now I will speak with you Brother Grimace."
The Groom, Brother Grimace, followed Bishop Rood into the room and sat down.
"Now let me ask you straight, Brother Grimace...Do you masturbate?"
EPILOGUE
Bishop Rood called back the young couple a couple of days later.
"Hello, Brother Grimace, this is Bishop Rood."
"Yes."
"About you wanting to use the Cultural Hall for the reception. Well, it's still a no go." Bishop Rood said apologetically.
"What! Why not? I even performed oral.." Brother Grimace started protesting.
"Yes. Yes. I tried my best, however, your father in law, the Stake President and I have decided that the best course of action would be to hold your reception at the cannery..."
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