Bishop Rood sat in his Bishops office tapping his fingers impatiently.
"What did the little whiner want now?" Rood thought to himself as he prepared for a meeting with his most high maintenance ward member, Ultra TBM Mega Lord. If Ultra wasn't complaining about how white bread should be used instead of wheat bread during the sacrament to signify the 'purity and whiteness' of Christ, then he was up in testimony meeting railing against the members for such infractions as talking before Sacrament meeting when they should have been contemplating the prelude music and thinking of Jesus or Joseph Smith. Onetime Ultra had gotten up during the middle of a funeral to complain about too much time being spent eulogizing the deceased and not enough time spent on trying to convert the nonmembers who were there. He was beaten up afterwards much to the quiet joy of Bishop Rood.
There was a slight knock at the door.
"Um. Yes, come on in." Bishop Rood put on the air of sterness and authority he had spent years perfecting as Ultra TBM Mega Lord came in.
"Hello Bishop, I am so glad that you could see me on such short notice. I hate not quickly repenting of any sins that I have committed." Ultra said.
"Um. Yes. Yes, please have a seat." Bishop Rood wonder what sort of evil Ultra had done, looked at pornography. Hmmm that might be kind of entertaining. He would see how much sleazy detail he could get out of Ultra and then go home later to watch some porno himself.
Ultra immediately started crying. Bishop Rood tried not to smile.
"OH BISHOP I HAVE DONE SUCH A HORRIBLE EVIL THING!" Ultra sobbed.
"Oh come now. Nice(snicker) fellow like you, it couldn't have been that bad. You didn't kill anybody or anything like that?" Rood said.
"NO! It was worse!" Ultra sobbed.
"Did you deny the holy ghost? Sleep with another man? Rob the bank? What?" Rood asked.
"No, not the first. Almost as evil as the second. FAR more evil than the third."
"Well get to it then?" Rood said impatiently, "What did you do?"
"I...I... committed self-abuse." Ultra said quietly.
Rood counted to 10.
"We'll, you know, that sort of thing happens as a boy turns into a man, they might experiment..."
"LOOK WHAT I'VE DONE TO MY FINGERNAILS!" Ultra said holding up his hands showing that Ultra had been biting them. "I'VE HORRIBLY SELF-ABUSED MYSELF." Ultra said and start bawling again hysterically.
Rood lost it.
"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU HAD TO CALL A SPECIAL MEETING WITH ME TO SHOW ME YOU BITE YOUR FINGERNAILS WHEN I COULD BE AT HOME RIGHT NOW LUSTING AFTER MARIE OSMOND ON DANCING WITH THE STARS!!!!" Rood screamed and then leapt over the table grabbing the startled Ultra TBM Mega Lord by the neck and started squeezing.
"Uggajaahgggghhhcackcack." Ultra responded.
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