Bishop Rood sat in his Bishops office tapping his fingers impatiently.
"What did the little whiner want now?" Rood thought to himself as he prepared for a meeting with his most high maintenance ward member, Ultra TBM Mega Lord. If Ultra wasn't complaining about how white bread should be used instead of wheat bread during the sacrament to signify the 'purity and whiteness' of Christ, then he was up in testimony meeting railing against the members for such infractions as talking before Sacrament meeting when they should have been contemplating the prelude music and thinking of Jesus or Joseph Smith. Onetime Ultra had gotten up during the middle of a funeral to complain about too much time being spent eulogizing the deceased and not enough time spent on trying to convert the nonmembers who were there. He was beaten up afterwards much to the quiet joy of Bishop Rood.
There was a slight knock at the door.
"Um. Yes, come on in." Bishop Rood put on the air of sterness and authority he had spent years perfecting as Ultra TBM Mega Lord came in.
"Hello Bishop, I am so glad that you could see me on such short notice. I hate not quickly repenting of any sins that I have committed." Ultra said.
"Um. Yes. Yes, please have a seat." Bishop Rood wonder what sort of evil Ultra had done, looked at pornography. Hmmm that might be kind of entertaining. He would see how much sleazy detail he could get out of Ultra and then go home later to watch some porno himself.
Ultra immediately started crying. Bishop Rood tried not to smile.
"OH BISHOP I HAVE DONE SUCH A HORRIBLE EVIL THING!" Ultra sobbed.
"Oh come now. Nice(snicker) fellow like you, it couldn't have been that bad. You didn't kill anybody or anything like that?" Rood said.
"NO! It was worse!" Ultra sobbed.
"Did you deny the holy ghost? Sleep with another man? Rob the bank? What?" Rood asked.
"No, not the first. Almost as evil as the second. FAR more evil than the third."
"Well get to it then?" Rood said impatiently, "What did you do?"
"I...I... committed self-abuse." Ultra said quietly.
Rood counted to 10.
"We'll, you know, that sort of thing happens as a boy turns into a man, they might experiment..."
"LOOK WHAT I'VE DONE TO MY FINGERNAILS!" Ultra said holding up his hands showing that Ultra had been biting them. "I'VE HORRIBLY SELF-ABUSED MYSELF." Ultra said and start bawling again hysterically.
Rood lost it.
"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU HAD TO CALL A SPECIAL MEETING WITH ME TO SHOW ME YOU BITE YOUR FINGERNAILS WHEN I COULD BE AT HOME RIGHT NOW LUSTING AFTER MARIE OSMOND ON DANCING WITH THE STARS!!!!" Rood screamed and then leapt over the table grabbing the startled Ultra TBM Mega Lord by the neck and started squeezing.
"Uggajaahgggghhhcackcack." Ultra responded.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Local Unit Has 100% Activity Rate
Church News Exclusive -
Fiddle String, AR
"We find out what the men like, and then give it to them." said Bishop Isaac Milton Rood of the 2nd Fiddle Ward in the Hot Spot Arkansas Stake.
"We tried all sorts of activities to get the less active to attend. We tried basketball parties, and little socials. We tried surveys to see what they were interested in, but still nothing. We sent them cookies enough to make them fat, but still nothing. Oh sure they might attend for one Sunday and then they would drop off the face of the Earth again."
"So what did you do Bishop Rood?" I asked.
"Well, I did what any person skilled in the art of law enforcement and mob infiltration would do, I had them tailed. I wanted to find out exactly what it was they were interested in. Because I think they were lying on the surveys. It really changed what activities we started holding to get them to attend."
"Well, what then. What activities did you start introducting to make them active?" I asked.
"Well, we got rid of the lesson manual completely and switched to watching videos during Elders Quorum and the High Priests Meetings. The regular attenders seemed to like the change too."
"Could you be more specific?" I asked.
"Well let's just say that our get togethers are alot more 'spirit filled," and our lessons are more aimed at conquering the sins of the flesh through built up exposure."
"You mean to say that your activities involve the use of alcohol, and you have been watching porno films during Priesthood?"
"Well, just a bit. The other night we went into one of the more seedy parts of town and blew the entire Ward Budget on some illegal drugs. I wanted to show the men what it was that they were trying to avoid by experiencing it firsthand."
"But aren't you just helping the less active and the members to sin! This is outrageous."
"I don't think of it as helping them to sin. I think of it as a resistence exercise through exposure. We make sure to pray at the beginning and ending of every event. In fact we are about to show Call Girls Bimbos 13 in Priesthood today in place of the lesson in the manuel on obedience. You want to check it out?" Rood asked.
I walked in timidly to a crowd of over 200 men eagerly awaiting the lesson. Bishop Rood moved up to the front
"I would like to thank all of those of you who could come. I want you to pray for Brother Nelson, who is still suffering from the disease he picked up when we went cruising for prostitutes during our activity last month. This week we are going to have a kegger at Barnies Bar and then discuss the evils of alcoholism. I'll now turn the time over to Brother Wilcox who has the lesson today."
"Thank you Bishop Rood. I thought that it would be appropriate to discuss the evils of a life on the street as a Call Girl by watching Call Girl Bimbos 13, but first I would like Brother Mason to say a prayer."
Brother Mason got up and bowed his head to pray.
"Our beloved Father in Heaven we are thankful that we could all gather here today for Priesthood. Please bless that Brother Nelson will be able to get rid of that rash, and please bless that we will be edified and feel the spirit as we watch Call Girl Bimbos 13, and please bless that none of the sisters will walk in on us..."
Fiddle String, AR
"We find out what the men like, and then give it to them." said Bishop Isaac Milton Rood of the 2nd Fiddle Ward in the Hot Spot Arkansas Stake.
"We tried all sorts of activities to get the less active to attend. We tried basketball parties, and little socials. We tried surveys to see what they were interested in, but still nothing. We sent them cookies enough to make them fat, but still nothing. Oh sure they might attend for one Sunday and then they would drop off the face of the Earth again."
"So what did you do Bishop Rood?" I asked.
"Well, I did what any person skilled in the art of law enforcement and mob infiltration would do, I had them tailed. I wanted to find out exactly what it was they were interested in. Because I think they were lying on the surveys. It really changed what activities we started holding to get them to attend."
"Well, what then. What activities did you start introducting to make them active?" I asked.
"Well, we got rid of the lesson manual completely and switched to watching videos during Elders Quorum and the High Priests Meetings. The regular attenders seemed to like the change too."
"Could you be more specific?" I asked.
"Well let's just say that our get togethers are alot more 'spirit filled," and our lessons are more aimed at conquering the sins of the flesh through built up exposure."
"You mean to say that your activities involve the use of alcohol, and you have been watching porno films during Priesthood?"
"Well, just a bit. The other night we went into one of the more seedy parts of town and blew the entire Ward Budget on some illegal drugs. I wanted to show the men what it was that they were trying to avoid by experiencing it firsthand."
"But aren't you just helping the less active and the members to sin! This is outrageous."
"I don't think of it as helping them to sin. I think of it as a resistence exercise through exposure. We make sure to pray at the beginning and ending of every event. In fact we are about to show Call Girls Bimbos 13 in Priesthood today in place of the lesson in the manuel on obedience. You want to check it out?" Rood asked.
I walked in timidly to a crowd of over 200 men eagerly awaiting the lesson. Bishop Rood moved up to the front
"I would like to thank all of those of you who could come. I want you to pray for Brother Nelson, who is still suffering from the disease he picked up when we went cruising for prostitutes during our activity last month. This week we are going to have a kegger at Barnies Bar and then discuss the evils of alcoholism. I'll now turn the time over to Brother Wilcox who has the lesson today."
"Thank you Bishop Rood. I thought that it would be appropriate to discuss the evils of a life on the street as a Call Girl by watching Call Girl Bimbos 13, but first I would like Brother Mason to say a prayer."
Brother Mason got up and bowed his head to pray.
"Our beloved Father in Heaven we are thankful that we could all gather here today for Priesthood. Please bless that Brother Nelson will be able to get rid of that rash, and please bless that we will be edified and feel the spirit as we watch Call Girl Bimbos 13, and please bless that none of the sisters will walk in on us..."
Bishop Rood Gets Caught with His Pants Down
Bishop Rood was throughly enjoying his makeout session with Sister Jezabel when her husband suddenly burst in holding a shot gun.
"Now I know that this might look bad honey..." Sister Jezabel started stammering.
"SHUT UP!" Brother Jezabel screamed.
"Now there you go Brother Jezabel, always trying to look at things from a negative light." Bishop Rood said, "You need to look at this in a more positive light. You need to think about what crimes you might have committed, and the things that you could have done better as a husband to prevent this situation for occuring."
"But Bishop, this isn't the first time she's cheated on me."
"You need to look at your marriage as a beautiful park. It reminds me of this place near the Idaho Falls Temple, where they have this nice park. Did you know that underneath it, it used to be a land fill?"
"No. I didn't." Brother Jezabel said uncertainly.
"Are you going to go digging into your wives past about all her affairs, when she has created a beautiful home for you, fed you dinner, and helped out with keeping your homebusiness going?" Bishop Rood said while squeezing Sister Jezabels knee under the blanket.
"So are you going to destroy your beautiful garden, your beautiful park by bring up this old garbage?" Rood said, "You are being far too negative. Stop digging up dirt, turn around like a good priesthood holder, go out the door and lock it behind you. Can you commit to do that Brother Jezabel, can you step up to the plate and be a father to your kids by going out there and keeping them out of trouble for the next half hour."
"Ummmm..." Brother Jezabel said uncertainly.
"I think that Satan has got a hold of you brother Jezabel. I can see that the anger you have is not good for you. Now if you will excuse us, we were in an important meeting."
"Ummmm..ahhh." Brother Jezabel started moving towards the door.
"There's a good fellow." Rood said, "Now if you could come back in about a half hour with some Sprite, I'd really appreciate it."
Brother Jezabel walked out the door locking it behind him.
"I think I might have to bring him in to have a discussion about following the brethern with complete obedience, for a moment there, I thought he'd shoot us." Bishop Rood commented before sticking his lips back to Sister Jezabel's face.
"Now I know that this might look bad honey..." Sister Jezabel started stammering.
"SHUT UP!" Brother Jezabel screamed.
"Now there you go Brother Jezabel, always trying to look at things from a negative light." Bishop Rood said, "You need to look at this in a more positive light. You need to think about what crimes you might have committed, and the things that you could have done better as a husband to prevent this situation for occuring."
"But Bishop, this isn't the first time she's cheated on me."
"You need to look at your marriage as a beautiful park. It reminds me of this place near the Idaho Falls Temple, where they have this nice park. Did you know that underneath it, it used to be a land fill?"
"No. I didn't." Brother Jezabel said uncertainly.
"Are you going to go digging into your wives past about all her affairs, when she has created a beautiful home for you, fed you dinner, and helped out with keeping your homebusiness going?" Bishop Rood said while squeezing Sister Jezabels knee under the blanket.
"So are you going to destroy your beautiful garden, your beautiful park by bring up this old garbage?" Rood said, "You are being far too negative. Stop digging up dirt, turn around like a good priesthood holder, go out the door and lock it behind you. Can you commit to do that Brother Jezabel, can you step up to the plate and be a father to your kids by going out there and keeping them out of trouble for the next half hour."
"Ummmm..." Brother Jezabel said uncertainly.
"I think that Satan has got a hold of you brother Jezabel. I can see that the anger you have is not good for you. Now if you will excuse us, we were in an important meeting."
"Ummmm..ahhh." Brother Jezabel started moving towards the door.
"There's a good fellow." Rood said, "Now if you could come back in about a half hour with some Sprite, I'd really appreciate it."
Brother Jezabel walked out the door locking it behind him.
"I think I might have to bring him in to have a discussion about following the brethern with complete obedience, for a moment there, I thought he'd shoot us." Bishop Rood commented before sticking his lips back to Sister Jezabel's face.
Bishop Rood Makes a Living
Bishop Isaac Milton Rood looked down at the spatula and at the burning meat on the grill in front of him.
"Hey, Isaac? How are you liking it here?" His Crew Chief Morton asked.
"Isaac! How dare you not treat me with proper respect! The title is Bishop!" Bishop Rood then grabbed Morton by the throat and began squeezing.
"Ugga hkkka. haaakk." Morton responded as Rood continued his grip.
Suddenly, arms were pulling him off of the startled Crew Chief.
"Mr. Rood! YOU ARE FIRED!" The store manager said.
"As Bishop Rood walked out cursing under his breath, he made a mental note to stop getting offended anytime someone at work used his first name. This was the 5th job he had lost this week.
"Hey, Isaac? How are you liking it here?" His Crew Chief Morton asked.
"Isaac! How dare you not treat me with proper respect! The title is Bishop!" Bishop Rood then grabbed Morton by the throat and began squeezing.
"Ugga hkkka. haaakk." Morton responded as Rood continued his grip.
Suddenly, arms were pulling him off of the startled Crew Chief.
"Mr. Rood! YOU ARE FIRED!" The store manager said.
"As Bishop Rood walked out cursing under his breath, he made a mental note to stop getting offended anytime someone at work used his first name. This was the 5th job he had lost this week.
Things the Proofers Missed Regarding the Book of Mormon
10. The Principle ancestors statement. The principal vs. one of the principal.
09. The Testimony of the 3 Witnesses
08. Testimony of the 8 witnesses
07. Nephi whacking off Labans head while he was drunk
06. All those Isaiah verses
05. All that war stuff
04. The White and delightsome phrases
03. That whole Jesus in America bit
02. That whole Ether thing with the Brother of Jared
01. Everything between page 1 and page 531
09. The Testimony of the 3 Witnesses
08. Testimony of the 8 witnesses
07. Nephi whacking off Labans head while he was drunk
06. All those Isaiah verses
05. All that war stuff
04. The White and delightsome phrases
03. That whole Jesus in America bit
02. That whole Ether thing with the Brother of Jared
01. Everything between page 1 and page 531
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