Link Between Number of Earring Worn and Faith of LDS Women

AP- Salt Lake City

Well it appears that Gordon B. Hinckley wasn't just blowing air out his mouth when he told the women of the Church that having more than one pair of earrings in the ears was a big no-no and that nose rings were just a first step to outerdarkness.

FARTS, or The Foundation for Ancient Research Tsk-Tsking Sinners, has conducted a new groundbreaking study that shows that the amount of metal in a females ear somehow disrupts the vibrations of her brain waves through some sort of magnetic resonance frequency jumbling causing her to specifically lose faith in the Mormon or Latter-Day Saint faith.

I spoke with Penny Nose-Ring, Ph.D about how the experiment worked.

"Well we basically took women from all categories in the Church, from Relief Society General Board Members on down to Beehive age girls to see what would happen with their testimony of the Church in relationship to how many earrings they had in each ear. Actually, if you will mind keeping the name confidential, we have a Ms. Tara M. Jewels doing the experiment right now."

I was then taken back into the examination room where I was able to look through a one mirror.

Here is a brief transcript of what transpired.

Dr. Nose-Ring - What are your feelings in regards to the truthfulness of the True Church when you are not wearing earrings?

Tara - I know that it is true with every fiber of my being!

Dr. Nose-Ring - Good Good. Now how do you feel when we put a pair of earrings on you? (earrings placed on subjects ears)

Tara - My testimony is EVEN stronger! I know that if Joseph Smith told me to leave my husband and be one his plural wives, I would do it in a New York minute, because he would NEVER lie!

Dr. Nose-Ring - Excellent. Now let's add another pair (another pair of earrings is added. Clip-ons)
Okay, what are your feelings about the LDS Faith?

Tara-(A grimace coming over her face like she is going to puke) They are a bunch of EVIL lying bastards who are going to all go to hell and burn in a lake of fire and brimestone. Joseph Smith was a very very evil man!

Dr. Nose-Ring - What about what you just said a minute ago?

Tara - I was completely and utterly deluded.

Dr. Nose-ring - Okay now let's remove the 2nd pair. (removes 2nd pair) Now how do you feel about the Church?

Tara - It's true. I know it and you know it. It's true I tell ya. (at this point Tara starts crying overwhelmed by the 'spirit')

Dr. Nose-Ring - Now I am going to clip this to your nose.

Tara - SOMEONE GET ME SOME HOT TAR AND FEATHERS!!! I'M COMING FOR YOU PRESIDENT MONSON!!!

At this point the interview was cut short because security had to be called to restrain Sister Tara Jewels from attacking FARTS staff.